October 2, 2016

October 2, 2016

Hires that really tall Russian guy from the television show “The Americans” to spout mild invectives against the front-running presidential candidates.

September 26, 2016

Wins first presidential debate of the Fall Festival season with a rousing rendition of “Danny Boy” besting Donald Trump’s version of “O.P.P.” and Hilary Clinton’s semi-rhythmic cackling.
September 20, 2016

September 20, 2016

Turns a Mr. Bubble-infused Super Soaker on fellow Missouri-native Brad Pitt in a last-ditch effort to save the “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” sequel.

September 2, 2016

Escapes uninjured when iPhone 6s fails to explode, proving twenty-nine years of Apple fanboydom was only foolish from a financial standpoint.

August 29, 2016

Upon comic legend Gene Wilder’s passing, solemnly accepts role as the new Candy Man after next-in-line Wiliam Katt outs himself as a Stevia user.

August 14, 2016

Successfully purchases a 44-oz Coke Zero, an off-brand disposable lighter, two packs of Donut Gems, a “tropical-scented” car air freshener and 13 lotto scratch-off cards at the neighborhood Kwik Shop with only minor interference from Ryan Lochte’s cousin Otis.