November 1, 2017

In celebration of the Houston Astros’ World Series victory, gets pummeled “Robin Ventura style” by pitching-legend-slash-foundation-repair-pitchman Nolan Ryan.
October 26, 2017

October 26, 2017

Denied a Freedom of Information Act request for files regarding The Magic Loogie referenced in the third episode of season three of “Seinfeld,” threatens to hold an out-of-season celebration of Festivus for “an emergency airing of grievances and consumption of...

October 19, 2017

Flush with Amazon HQ2 earnest money, goes “Full One-Sixteenth Bezos” and purchases the East Okoboji Daily Inquisitor and Trading Post.

October 18, 2017

Accidently signs up for 1,354,933 Amazon Dash buttons for Cottonelle Flushable Wipes with Extra Aloe for Sensitive Heinies and is awarded rights to Amazon’s pending HQ2.
October 6, 2017

October 6, 2017

Unable to refrain from bellowing “Here comes Rutger Lite!” every time Ryan Gosling appears on screen, is gently escorted out of matinee of “Blade Runner 2049.”

September 26, 2017

In response to Twitter doubling its allowed character count to 280, edits past 15,334 tweets to include previously excised “umms,” “uhhs,” and “like, seriously, you guys.”