In lieu of our typical, often weighty Idle Chatter pontifications, this month’s IC features a guest stint by Dexter P. Turklesworth. Mr. Turklesworth, an expert in all things turkey, shall endeavor to answer questions both common and otherwise about Thanksgiving, meal preparation and the subtleties of bird stuffing.
Dear Dexter,
It’s my first time hosting Thanksgiving dinner for the entire extended family. I’m worried that nothing I make will live up to my mother-in-law’s standards as she believes men are only good for opening olive jars.
– Thad Munger, Los Colinas, TX
Dear Thad,
Invite your mother-in-law over to the estate early under the guise that you need her help with the preparations. When she arrives, put her in charge of crafting the homemade mashed potatoes. Which, of course, begins with peeling 20 pounds of Idaho’s finest using an ancient, delicate Chinese peeling blade found only in the Xinjiang province (you are welcome to borrow mine if yours is at the cutlery boutique being honed). She’ll be too tuckered out to complain about her gout, let alone the cranberry sauce. A
Yours, Dexter
—
Dear Dexter,
Is it true turkeys were almost declared the national bird of the United States?
– Edith Pomerantz, Arlington, TX
Dear Edith,
Indeed, it is true. Benjamin Franklin proposed the idea in 1784, referring to us collectively as a “Bird of Courage.” For this, Franklin and his progeny – which now number upwards of 343,000 people scattered across America, Britain and France – will always be our friends. Just like Google should be yours.
Yours, Dexter
—
Dear Dexter,
How do I arrange place settings to ensure political arguments don’t derail our holiday happiness?
– Ashley Laurel, The Colony, TX
Dear Ashley,
I gather some of the kinsfolk live outside your Stepford commune and are prone to rocking the gravy boat. As a matter of decorum, your best option is to lull the entire brood into a state of pre-slumber agreeableness. Keep the lights dim. Burn some relaxing aromatherapy candles in the centerpiece. And, most importantly, serve sea lion. Whether roasted, brined or fried, God’s own seaborne sausage delivers rich flavor, cohesive mouthfeel and, most importantly, more than five times the amount of tryptophan found in the average fowl. Or even the well-above-average fowl such as yours truly. Also, spike the nog.
Yours, Dexter
—
Dear Dexter,
Can you suggest any traditional Pilgrim games that we could teach the kids? They’ve caught on that Shuck the Maize is actually a chore.
– Thomas T. Tanginjin, Flower Mound, TX
Dear Thomas,
Spike the Nog.
Yours, Dexter
—
Dear Dexter,
Since I was a little girl, my Nana has insisted on contributing her (in)famous beet casserole to the Thanksgiving feast. Now that the family gathering has shifted to our house, I’d like to put the kibosh on this culinary travesty. But how can I do so without hurting Nana’s feelings?
– Ginnifer Sampson, Highland Park, TX
Dear Ginnifer,
A great philosopher – either Hume or Schrute – once opined that you can’t beat beets. While, in truth, almost everything beats beets, including gruel, hardtack and three-year-old Teddy Grahams found under the back seat of your Lexus RX400h. However, in this specific case, I suggest betting on the beets. Why? Because Nana’s beets are a known enemy. Ban them from the table and your sweet grandmother is likely to rain down a nasty bit of vengeance in the form of a Jell-O/7-Up/marshmallow salad with bits of celery, pecans and lint suspended throughout. Proving that revenge is indeed a dish best served cold.
Yours, Dexter
—
Dear Dexter,
Stove Top stuffing or homemade?
– Carla Carlson, Irving, TX
Dear Carla,
Bacon.
Yours, Dexter
—
Dear Dexter,
What’s the best way to serve a turkey?
– Ann Schnufkins, Irving, TX
Dear Ann,
Without sounding like a self-hating gobbler, I must say that you should probably avoid attempting to serve a turkey. While your desire to serve a fellow inhabitant of Planet Earth is noble, we are, on the whole, a disagreeable bunch prone to argument and drink. A turkey will not hesitate to hit on your girlfriend. A turkey will take the last Junior Mint while simultaneously revealing the end of the movie. Attempting to serve a turkey like a friend or, more likely, 19th-century British valet, is not a choice to be taken lightly. Or even heavily. It is a choice from which one should run away, post haste, into the arms of a more forgiving creature. Perhaps a honey badger or marmoset.
Yours, Dexter
—
Dear Dexter,
I meant serve for dinner.
– Ann Schnufkins, Irving, TX
Dear Ann,
1-866-492-HAMS
Yours, Dexter
—
Jason Fox likes his blessings in pie form.