In October 2009, this column broke the archeological story of the day (or at least the morning) when it revealed evidence of a Twitter-like social network that existed in the time of Noah, aka @GopherWoodBoy. While that original network went under, literally, in the Great Flood, a busload of spiritually minded senior citizens from the Golden Palms retirement community in sunny Doral, Florida, recently shuffled onto a new discovery while touring ancient holy sites in Egypt. Specifically, they located tablets believe to have been inscribed by Moses himself as a record of his social missives under the nom-de-tweet @MoHeston. And while these are not the famed tablets of the ten commandments, they do offer a glimpse into the mind of the young Jewish nation’s first great leader:
Discovered why they call the backside of the desert the backside of the desert. Anyone know how to de-camel-chip sandals? Don’t say Febreze.
2:17 PM 78 years 32 days ago from BleatDeck 2.0
Saw a bush on fire today that wasn’t consumed. It asked me to remove my sandals (camels!). Then made s’mores. Holy me, they was tasty.
7:33 PM 76 years 155 days ago from BleatDeck 2.0
Sorry for the lack of updates. Figured no 1 wanted 2C 35-years of lunch pix. I know I didn’t want to eat 35-years’ worth of meerkat porridge.
12:12 PM 41 years 6 days ago from the Weave
Ain’t no party like a Midianite party!
2:43 AM 40 years 148 days ago from the Weave
Ain’t no headache like a goat mead headache. Oy. Vey.
11:18 AM 40 years 148 days ago from BleatDeck 2.5
Fire Bush returned. Says I have to go back to E-town and free my peeps. I said I was too slow of tongue, but my love of s’mores betrayed me.
10:04 AM 40 years 6 days ago from the Weave
Done packing for E. Have some extra robes. First come, first swaddled.
1:19 PM 39 years 363 days ago from the Weave
@JethroNotTull, all robes are XL. You are decidedly not. Unless you prefer the beltless hobo look.
1:45 PM 39 years 363 days ago from the Weave
Land o’ Goshen! No, seriously, we finally made it to Goshen. Looks like everyone’s still in slavery. New Walmart looks nice, though.
6:58 PM 39 years 41 days ago from WordChisler 1.0
Just had brunch with @ThatRamPharaoh. @MosBro’s staff turned into a snake. Then something called a “lawyer.” Awkward.
1:15 PM 38 years 352 days ago from the Weave
Just because it’s written doesn’t mean it’ll be done, @RamsesFan99. Blocked.
8:04 AM 38 years 345 days ago from the Weave
Will that be all, @ThatRamPharaoh? #bloodfroglicebeastspestilenceboilshaillocustsdarkness
3:33 PM 38 years 331 days ago from WordChisler 1.0
Sigh. Already bein’ broughted. RT @ThatRamPharaoh: Bring it @MoHeston! #passover
5:19 PM 38 years 331 days ago from WordChisler 1.0
Pretty sure @ThatRamPharaoh’s heart is hardened with equal parts evil and deep-fried mutton.
5:20 PM 38 years 331 days ago from the Weave
Hey, @JacobsKids! Let’s roll! Gather at the giant pillar of fire. #exodus
7:56 AM 38 years 330 days ago from the Weave
I’ve been asked to remind everyone that s’more making on the pillar of fire is for the elders only. Not cool, @ZebediahZ.
8:44 PM 38 years 330 days ago from WordChisler 1.0
That. Was. Awesome. #redsea #YHWHftw
5:02 PM 38 years 202 days ago from BleatDeck 4.0
@MoHeston just checked in at Mt. Sinai with 2 million others.
4:24 AM 38 years 18 days ago from BleatDeck 4.0
Really, @MosBro? A golden calf? Will your worship of Whataheifer never end?
10:22 PM 37 years 360 days ago from the Weave
It was the finger of G-d, not a laser, @JehosIsFat. And yes, the tablets were wicked heavy.
11:58 AM 37 years 345 days ago from the Weave
Man, this stuff on the ground is like manna from heaven. Oh, wait.
6:43 AM 37 years 251 days ago from WordChisler 1.0.1
No, @DonkeyBob, just because you’re a stiff-necked people doesn’t mean everyone gets free massages.
8:18 PM 37 years 198 days ago from WordChisler 1.0.1
Bitter water is still better than goat mead. #justsayin #willstillaskforgiveness
11:06 AM PM 37 years 2 days ago from the Weave
I have no idea who @MatthewDamonowicz will play in the staged re-enactment, @CalebWithaC and @JawShooWhatUp.
4:32 PM 36 years 355 days ago from WordChisler 1.0.1
For the 400th time in the last 40 years, “flowing with milk and honey” is a simile people!
9:22 AM 3 months 2 days ago from BleatDeck 12.0
Fine. A metaphor. Happy now, @GrammarG-d?
9:25 AM PM 3 months 2 days ago from BleatDeck 12.0
Looks like it’s time to sleep with my fathers. Remember @JacobsKids, G-d is good, Baal is bad and don’t take any wooden shekels.
3:51 PM 2 days ago from the Weave