Hey, hey, kids! Do you know what time it is? Back-to-school time! Woo-hoo! That’s right, it’s time to head to the mall and literally gear up for another fun-filled year of reviewing what you learned last year along with a few new bits to help you pass whatever standardized tests The Man has come up with this go-round. And if you’re an upstanding young Christian guy or gal who attends public school, well, it’s also time to gear up for another nine months of guerrilla gospelizationizing. Because, if you hadn’t noticed, the song has changed to “school days, school days, don’t you dare talk about the Golden Rule you zealot days.” And if you don’t know what song I’m talking about, ask your Grammy. She has Jay-Z’s version in her iTunes. Because Grammy’s old school, yo.
Back in the good old days of the 1980s, a kid could (according to a talking giraffe) be a kid. A kid could also be a child of God and not have to worry about landing in Principal Rooney’s office for being too much of a righteous dude. But I see I’m making pop culture references you don’t get. Let me rephrase. You used to be able to invite your friends to an all-night Bible study slash dodgeball tournament without fear of Wendy the Wiccan narcing on you to the school board for allegedly oppressing her rights to wear shawls while hanging out in trees.
Yes, even deep in the left atrium of Texas it’s becoming increasingly difficult to be open about one’s faith without being labeled as anti-Glee. Fortunately, there are still many ways to spread the Word whilst skirting the wrath of your Captain Planet-loving social studies teacher. Some of which actually work.
Change your name to Jehovah – Yes, there are Christians and Christines dotting the Sunday school rolls from here to Guam (military brats). But, like Christmas, people often miss the Christ-ness in those names. Not so with Jehovah. But, please, as tempting as it may be, do not start a band called Jehovah and the Witnesses. Unless you totally rock. Hard.
Get a heavenly haircut – If YouTube is to be believed, and I see no reason why it shouldn’t be, you kids love carving things into your coifs. Sports team logos, jersey numbers, equations proving that the Higgs boson exists. The usual teenage stuff. So the next time you’re getting that bust of LeBron touched up along your temple, ask the barber to modify it just a bit. Because why show off King James when your shorn locks can offer up the visage of James the Apostle? Why, indeed.
Drink holy water – Do you take bottles of water or reusable beverage containers to school? Do you own a printer or Sharpie? Then you, too, can rechristen your agua as 100% Inorganic Immaculate Holy Water with a new label or delightful logo design. Because sometimes a little subtlety can go a long way. Unless you toss said holy water onto Twilight fans in the name of “Team Jesus.” But whatever works.
How would Jesus Answer? – When confronted with a query, respond in such a way as to incorporate Christ. For example, if someone asks how you are, reply, “It is well with my soul.” If the teacher calls upon you to describe Stonehenge for the class say, “Stonehenge was probably build by Druids who roamed the earth in spiritual darkness and didn’t know whom to curse when one of those big rocks smashed their pinky toes.” No doubt your teacher will be impressed with your correct usage of “whom.”
Literally call upon the name of the Lord – Steve Jobs may have been a Buddhist, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use your iPhone to serve the living God. Change your ringtones and alerts to declare spiritual truths every time one of your peeps punches your digits or shoots you a text. It could be as simple as a Billy Graham-intoned “amen,” or as raucous as whatever is passing for cutting edge these days in the world of Christian rock. I assume it’s not still Carman.
Will doing any of the above turn you into a modern day John the Baptist? No. Because I don’t think you’re allowed to wear camel skins and bring locusts for lunch due to some PETA-related harassment. But it will make you a fool. A fool for Christ. Which is infinitely and eternally better than chilling in a oak tree trying to get Harry Potter spells to work. Again.