In honor of Independence Day, which I think is on July 4 this year, I considered highlighting some of my favorite excerpts from the Federalist Papers. Sadly, my insightful commentary into the heart of American political theory will have to wait for another column. In another publication. Instead, I will proffer my expertly crafted tips for a successful, patriotic and punk-filled Fourth of July celebration.
First, my qualifications. I hail from the most patriotic town in the history of historic things – Independence, Missouri. Hometown of President Harry S. Truman and Meth Capital of the World from 1996 – 2002. I’ve been seen on more than one occasion eating apple pie while riding in a Chevrolet with my mother. Also, I know my way around a buzz bomb.
1. Preparations for the Fourth should begin on the Second. The Founders didn’t simply wake up on July 4, 1776, and cobble together a few random sentences that declared us a free people (though a few of them may have cobbled together some shoes), so put a little effort into your celebratory plans. Stock up on hot dogs and condiments. Check the expiration date on that sunscreen. Make sure your cooler hasn’t been converted into a raccoon condo.
2. Not all fireworks count as fireworks. Finger snappers, snakes and glow sticks may sound all snuggly wuggly to Grandma Killjoy, but is “safety first” the motto of real Americans? What if Washington had looked at the Delaware River that historic Christmas morn and thought, “Ye olde ice and fog might be a touch dicey. Best stayeth put until Juneth”? Now grab an M-80, find an anthill and exercise your right to celebrate American independence with Chinese fireworks. And don’t get me started on sparklers.
3. Your brother-in-law doesn’t qualify as “adult supervision.” Sure, Jimmy’s a good guy and all. He always fills in on your office softball team, and he never once complained when he nailed his hand to a 2×6 while building your deck. He’s family. But he also likes to shoot bottle rockets from between his teeth and is prone to asking the kids if they’d like to get prison tattoos. Don’t give them a chance to say yes.
4. “Jell-O,” “prune” and “surprise” should not be used in the same food name. With apologies to my dearly departed grandmothers and great aunts, if a recipe calls for suspending bits of banana, cranberries and raisins in a marshmallow-and-Sprite-infused mold of lime gelatin, please skip the effort and pick up a platter of chocolate chip cookies at your favorite warehouse club.
5. No matter how big your TV is, it’s no substitute for live fireworks. To all able-bodied souls and those without newborn children: Get out of the house! Yes, the Boston Pops sound awesome on your 7.1 surround system, thundering out the “1812 Overture” while rockets glare reddish over a tea-free Boston Harbor. So TiVo it for later. Chances are, your tax dollars are paying for that municipal display anyhow, so you might as well enjoy the show.
6. Pies should be homemade. Firecrackers, not so much. The Chinese have been making fireworks for at least 800 years. Which qualifies them as experts. The half hour you spent watching a tour of the Black Cat factory on the History Channel’s “Modern Marvels” series does not qualify you for anything. Just ask yourself, WWJD – What Would Jimmy Do? Exactly.
7. Bunting should be placed on the exterior of your home, not your body. Because “you look like a parade float” is never, ever a compliment.
8. Today is not the day to discuss what you think is wrong with the American political establishment. Enjoy your rights freely assemble and engage in free speech by doing much of the former and little of the latter. On this day, regardless of how wrong Uncle Stu may be in his views on maintaining a tight monetary policy at the fed, it is best to celebrate what brings us all together as Americans. Namely, our deep mistrust of all things Dutch.
9. Make sure your Roman candles are actually Roman. If you accidentally by the French variety, all you’ll get are candles that that shoot nothing while emitting an irritating whine. Although they do often come with some lovely cheeses.
10. Requests to not whistle the piccolo solo from “Stars and Stripes Forever” through your nose should be summarily disregarded. Patriotism comes in many forms, my friends. Including nasal.
Well, there you have it. Please bear in mind that I cannot legally guarantee that following the above tips will result in the Best Fourth of July Ever. It may rain. Or your piecrusts might not rise. And that Jimmy is always a wild card. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go hide the Jell-O.