According to famed ethnographer and one-legged ski champion John “Lane Myer” Cusack, the world will end on either December 30 or 31, 2012, or January 1, 2013, depending on which side of the International Date Line you’re straddling. JLMC, however, will escape the apocalypse in a 747 equipped with a flux capacitor, hope and change. But only three hours of jet fuel. Still, the Mayans will have more or less been proven right in their prediction, even if said prediction is only the result of running out of “Far Side” comics for their Page-a-Days and not some great foreknowledge of things henceforth to come.
Still, if Hollywood and Lloyd Dobler have taught us anything, it’s that vampires and werewolves rarely need to work out or attend acting lessons. Also, they’re super-hunky. Double also, the end of the world is always close at hand – be it in the form of Dr. No, Dr. Evil or an Aerosmith-loving asteroid that flunked evil medical school. Unfortunately, the Left Coasters have a poor record of telling us the signs of our impending doom, preferring to lay the responsibility at ignored scientists like Pierce Brosnan. For shame.
Fortunately (or not, depending on the timing), the Bible is literally spilling over with tips and tricks for deciphering the encroaching end of days. Sure, no one knows the exact time of Christ’s coming, but that doesn’t mean we should be caught totally unawares (from the Greek for “in our undertogas”). In fact, the books of Isaiah, Daniel, Ezekiel and Revelation are so full of eschatological goodness, Kirk Cameron will have to live to be 139 to make movies about it all. Nonetheless, for the purposes of comedy, let’s wander away from the wars and rumors of wars and into the realm of lesser-known prophetic omenology.
“And, lo, a tide of bestingered beasties clothed in indignation and impervious to DEET shall rise forth and ruin sunset dog walks and backyard barbecues. This is the forty-fifth woe.” Growing up, mosquitoes were a nuisance. Like homework and bathing. But a few bites never stopped anyone from an evening lightning bug hunt or 3 ½ minutes off tossing the glow-softly-in-the-dark Frisbee. Now I can’t take my young ’uns out past 6:30 for fear they’ll be carried off to wherever mosquitoes carry things off to. Albuquerque? And if you don’t think the size or voluminous appetites of modern skeeters is a sign from on high, feel free to Google the creature God recently let loose in the Philippines to eat these massive insect Edward Cullens: The giant fox bat.
“But before the Beast could put his mark upon mankind, a bespectacled Buddhist shall soften their resolve with shiny things bearing ill-tempered fowl.” Much has been conjectured, opined and made up concerning the mark of the beast. And many of us wonder how the world’s population could be convinced to have a barcode or RFID chip permanently installed on their person. Well, maybe if said tech promises to run on 5G networks and pipe Pandora straight into one’s cerebral cortex while giving a head-up display of Angry Birds on the old optic nerve, much coaxing may not be needed. Especially if the beast promises better coverage than AT&Verisprint. Besides, what made Man fall the first time? Hint: An apple. Granted, I’m a pre-tribber, so, you know, whatevs.
“Beware those proffering a reality that is unreal, dressed in the guise of orange skin and copious booty, especially the one whose frosted locks flutter like a crest upon the sea.” Yes, grandma, Ryan Seacrest is a portent of the Great White Throne Judgment. Think about it. The man has spent the past decade telling us to worship idols so obviously false (no way Taylor Hicks beats Daughtry in an unfallen world) that we hardly blink when his production company throws the Kardashians into our Google searches even though we were just looking for information on psoriasis. Also, pretty sure he ate Dunkleman.
“Behold, though the Lord comes quickly, others shall scoot forth and clog the arteries of commerce until there is weeping and gnashing of teeth and a shortage of Little Debbies.” Whether it was Job or Isaiah or Brimley who foresaw the advent of the Hoveround makes no matter. Nor does its use by people who would otherwise be immobile. This bit of postscripture speaks of those who find self-ambulation simply too burdensome to bother with. Those who take the mobile carts at the mall because the walk between Dillards and Macy’s cracks the 300 yard marker. Those who, if they fell, could definitely get back up, but would instead choose to lie prostrate, wallowing in their shameless shame. Like you, Mrs. Edith Crabbleton.
“In the Eastern Time Zone, a golden idol shall be bestowed upon a descendant of Cane, née Cain, and The Oprah shall declare it good.” Yes, when Susan Lucci finally wins a Daytime Emmy…what? This happened? In 1999?! Hmm. Looks like we’ve been living on borrowed time, my friends. As the Mayans were wont to say, duck and cover.
Fear the Mayansquitos
