Last night I watched one of the best Super Bowls in history. I know this because many football experts and John Madden kept saying as much. While I was a bit disappointed in the outcome – I had chosen to root for Arizona as QB Kurt Warner is, like my lovely wife, a native Iowan – the game itself was, indeed, fraught with drama. For those of you who popped a Lunestra with dinner and had to call it a night at halftime, the Pittsburgh Steelers pulled out a 27-23 victory in the last minute of the game. It was good stuff.

I wish I could say the same for the commercials. While there were a few bright spots during the night, there were just as many clunkers. But the biggest group of ads just had me muttering “meh.” Which is not what you want when the airtime is costing $3 million for 30 seconds.

The biggest trend I noticed was the Substandard Stinger. For the uninitiated, a stinger is quite common in advertising. It’s that little bit of (supposed) comedy at the end of the spot after the sell. It’s as if marketers don’t want to just leave you with a sales message, so they try and shoehorn in one final joke to leave you smiling. And while I’ve written many a stinger in my day, I pray none were as clunky as those from Budweiser and Bud Light (pretty much every spot), Doritos’ “Crystal Ball,” or H & R Block’s “Death and Taxes.” A brilliant stinger can really finish of a spot nicely. These just finished them.

But enough prologue. Here, in order of appearance, are the ads from Super Bowl XLIII. As usual, I will not review movie trailers or regional/local ads.

First quarter:

Samsung, “How I See It” – Fans sent in their own memories of watching NFL games. The winning story was turned into a spot. I liked this spot. Wasn’t the greatest, but better than most fan-based spots you’ll see. B-

No video link available

First half:

Ad Council, “Don’t Be an Asterisk” – A high school hero develops the worst zit ever: An asterisk-shaped pimple. Smart spot that assumes its audience knows what “don’t be an asterisk” means (and I think they do). Could have used a bit more dramatic tension – the kid’s a hero, but we never see his heroics. B



Hyundai “Assurance” – A recycled ad in which Hyundai promises to buy back your Sonata if you lose your job. Nice thought, awkward placement. C-



State Farm Insurance, “LeBron James” – Another retread. Basketball star LeBron James imagines himself playing football for the Cleveland Browns. I have absolutely no idea what this has to do with insurance. Maybe State Farm has special ACL policies. I dunno. C-



Best Buy, “Power Jensen” – Yet another retread. Possibly a regional buy, but hard to say. Boring testimonial. Talent – an actual BB employee – is game, but the underlying b-roll is severely weak. Spot also implies that it’ll take a miracle to get same-day installation from Best Buy. Huh? C-



Universal Studios, “Inner Hero” – This spot really pulled me in with some great casting, cinematography and overall direction. Then it got to the sell and lost me completely. Would’ve worked much better with just a one-line voice over and logo at the end. B-



Verizon Wireless, “3G Dead Zone” – I assume this is a retread. I’ve liked several of the VZW “Dead Zone” spots, but this one just lacked a certain je ne sais quoi. Although Trent was a nice touch. C



Ronald McDonald House, “Christopher Nehls” – With one-year-old boy/girl twins, I am now officially a complete sucker for any reasonably well-done spot featuring kids doing heartwarming things. But I think I would’ve liked this spot even back in my cold, cynical, single days. The idea isn’t original, but the execution makes it work. And work well. B+



Hyundai, “Genesis/Genesis Coupe” – Sorry, I was sleeping. What happened? D



Bud Light, “Meeting” – To save money a company should quit buying cheap beer? Whu-huh? And the “make sure we show the guy didn’t get hurt” stinger is a waste of 1.5 seconds. C-



Audi, “Chase” – Featuring Jason “The Transporter” Statham as a, well, we don’t really know what. But he jumps from car to car and decade to decade in search of a suitable ride – not stopping until he lands in a new, supercharged Audi A6. A bit reminiscent of BMW’s “The Driver” short film series from a few years ago, but still money well spent. Bonus half-grade for the “Mousse is Loose” billboard. A-



Pepsi, “Refresh Anthem” – I’m always a little bit leery of cola ads espousing world change, as if caffeine, sugar, water and caramel coloring are the magic ingredients that will bring unity to all. But this execution featuring Bob Dylan and Will.I.Am in a present-reflects-the-past montage works surprisingly well. And once again proves that execution can trump concept. Although I don’t recommend trying that on purpose. A-



Doritos, “Crystal Ball” – Proof that a Judge Reinhold lookalike and wacky office vandalism do not an instant classic make. Possibly the worst stinger ever. D+



Bud Light, “Conan O’Brien” – Seeing Conan in a fake, Swedish Bud Light spot is funny. Seeing Conan in a clichéd stinger is not. I’m still up in the air as to the comedic value of “Vroom! Vroom! Party starter!” Time will tell.B-



Toyota Venza, “Faces” – Looks like someone found an old storyboard behind the color copier and decided to produce it. And in case Toyota’s wondering, I am not Venza. I’m Batman.D+



Bridgestone, “Taters” – Best use of tubers I’ve seen in a long time. The sheep made for an excellent auditory gag. Not sure about the lack of brand messaging, but whatever – beats those weird Pirelli movies.A-



Castrol Edge, “Grease Monkeys” – E-Trade called. They want their chimps back. C-



Doritos, “Power of the Crunch” – “Hey, I know,” said the young scalawag of a copywriter, “let’s do a spot with a chick in her underwear and a monkey!” “Heck yeah!” enthused the art director. “And let’s throw in some cash, too! You know, to reflect the economic times in which we live!” “Blerg,” said the drunk CD, approving the concept. D



GoDaddy.com, “Danica Showers” – I just hate GoDaddy.com and their ads. Not only do they try to be, ahem, edgy in an industry that doesn’t require it, their spots are poorly written and often insulting. This one is based on the tenuous idea that if you get a domain name and website from GoDaddy.com, you’ll be in control. And by “in control” they mean you can make racecar driver Danica Patrick install a webcam in her shower. Weak. And then they try to point you to their website where you can watch “the rest of the spot” which is, naturally, “unrated.” Gasp!F

I’m not even linking to this garbage.

Pepsi Max, “I’m Good” – Very funny. Well written and produced. Still have no idea what Pepsi Max is, but I’m apparently less of a man for drinking Diet Dr Pepper.B



Pedigree, “Crazy Pets” – Very nice spot promoting the adoption of stray dogs. Wish some of the setups had been a bit wackier, but the whole spot was worth it just for the elderly woman running after an ostrich yelling, “Bad bird! Bad bird!” Also note that we don’t really have a clue as to what the spots about until 25 seconds in. Yet we somehow manage to get the message. Amazing! A-



Budweiser, “Stick” – Predictable-but-cute spot with a Dalmatian and a Clydesdale. Suffers from an erroneous stinger. B-



Budweiser, “Clydesdale Circus” – Predictable-but-cute spot with a white mare and a Clydesdale. Suffers from an erroneous stinger. Wait a second”¦ B-



Gatorade, “What G Means” – How can so many inspirational people be so boring? C-



Cars.com, “David Abernathy” – I really, really liked this spot until they revealed that it was for Cars.com. I have nothing against Cars.com – I actually sold a car on there years ago – but there was just too big of a disconnect between David’s lifelong genius and his sudden confusion at buying a car. It ain’t that hard, people. Still, points awarded for production and keeping the tone consistent, even during the sell.B



Hyundai Genesis, “Angry Bosses” – Hyundai makes up for all their other spots with this bold dramatization of what BMW and Lexus must be thinking now that Hyundai’s Genesis has won the 2009 North American Car of the Year award. B+



E-Trade, “Talking Babies” – Frankly, this whole campaign has no right to be as good as it is. Whoever decided to go with the webcam look (to cover up the difficult job of talking baby effects, I’m sure) is brilliant. But it’s the writing that really sells the premise. And any company willing to bust out some Mr. Mister from 1987 is okay by me. B+



Bud Light, “Drawing Board Skier” – I find the whole “Drinkability” campaign to be a silly exercise in the promotion of a non-benefit. Anyone out there looking for a non-drinkable beverage? Sit down, Carl. Anyone else? I thought not. Nonetheless, the spot is one of the least annoying in the campaign. Although there is some superfluous dialogue. And, of course, a stinger. C+



H&R Block, “Death and Taxes” – I can certainly appreciate the use of Abe Vigoda as the voice of the Grim Reaper, but the rest of the spot is pretty meh. And the stinger hurts. C+



Teleflora, “Box of Flowers” – Nice idea besmirched by unnecessary floral creepiness: “No one wants to see you naked.” To quote the caveman, not cool. C



Cheetos, “Spoiled Girl” – Indicative of the campaign at large, this spot is decently humorous, yet lacking a purpose. Cheetos make me, tee hee, naughty? Eat Cheetos and a geriatric Chester Cheetah will always be my wingman? What? C+



Halftime:

SoBe, “Lizards 3D” – After getting pilloried in the ad press last year for their Naomi-Campbell-dancing-with-lizards spot, the folks at SoBe reached the only conclusion they could: The spot blew because it wasn’t in 3D! Superduh. Oddly, this assortment of lizards, aliens and NFL players fell flat. And I don’t think it’s just because I didn’t have the glasses. D-



Sprint Nextel, “Roadies” – A retread, but still funny. I actually liked the “Deliverymen” spot that aired pre- and post-game a little better, but this piece still made me smile while demonstrating the product benefit in a new, yet non-irritating, way. Besides, they can’t just keep rerunning this one. Or can they? B+



Toyota Tundra, “Killer Heat” – I’ve always loved the giant-scale Rube Goldberg contraptions this campaign builds for each spot. The voice over style is a bit expected, but the writing helps make it work. Not sure the Bowl was the best place for this spot, though. B+



Priceline, “Help” – The weirder this Shatner-based campaign gets, the more awesome it becomes. I think this is a retread, but I don’t care – Bill makes any Bowl better. B+



Overstock.com, “Bling and Boozer” – NBA star Carlos Boozer shops for bling while random children look on. Umm. Okay. Wait. No. Bad. Fail. D



Miller High Life, “One-Second Ad” – I’ve always loved High Life’s “Common Sense” campaign. But to do it in one second? Outstanding. This spot has arguably generated the most buzz of anything shown during the game. A



Second half:

Coca-Cola Classic, “Avatar” – Awesome. A modern twist on a classic boy-meets-girl premise. Doesn’t quite top last year’s spot with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons, but it’s up there. A-



Bridgestone, “Hot Item” – Another well-produced spot for Bridgestone. Not quite as hep as the Potato Heads, and I still don’t see how this make Bridgestone such an awesome tire. But a nice use of disclaimer copy. B



Denny’s, “Thugs” – Take that, Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n’ Fruity! B



Monster.com, “Moose Head” – Monster.com may never equal this classic spot, but this one-joke setup is still pretty darn funny. And one of those ideas that makes you wonder why it’s never been done before. Maybe it has, but I’m not looking for it. B+



Budweiser, “Clydesdales: Generations” – Starts with an interesting premise and promising voice over, and then goes nowhere. For sixty whole seconds. C-



CareerBuilder.com, “As a Rule” – Great, non-irritating use of repetition. Dig the guy drinking liquid gold. Love the violence against puppets. Wish the crying guy had been a different bit, but that’s a small flaw in an otherwise sweet spot. Too bad it won’t spawn another Monk-E-Mail. A-



Coca-Cola, “Heist” – Another simple idea brilliantly executed. Makes you want to watch every frame so you don’t miss a bit of the complex thievery. The definition of a soft sell that works. A



Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes, “Plant a Seed” – While the sugar-cereal-as-community-benefactor vibe seems a bit, I don’t know, wrong somehow, this spot manages to sell its main idea without overusing the tiger. B



Heineken, “Warrior” – With John Turturro as the lead, this spot is just odd enough to be really quite interesting. Too bad he wasn’t in his Lebowski jumpsuit. B



Coke Zero, “Mean Troy” – I can actually remember watching the original Mean Joe Greene commercial when it first aired. It’s a classic. I must say, when this spot first came on I was worried about what they would do. And then the Coke Zero guys showed up. And I laughed. Nice way to tweak a memory while still paying respect. B+



Cash4Gold.com, “Heeere’s Money” – The only thing that saves this spot from being a complete embarrassment is Hammer’s line “I can get cash for t his gold medallion of me wearing a gold medallion.” Otherwise, it’s just kind of sad. C-



Vizio, “Take a Look” – Some people just shouldn’t be allowed near iMovie. D-



Taco Bell, “Overrated” – Decent idea that, in this execution, worked better as a 60. Marred by, guess what, a stinger. B-



GE, “Scarecrow” – If I only had any idea what this spot was supposed to be about. Nice production values, though. C-



Hulu.com, “Alec in Huluwood” – Alec Baldwin sticks to his “30 Rock” Jack Donaghy persona and, along with some snappy writing, makes this spot work. Even the odd I’m-an-alien reveal at the end doesn’t mar it. B+



GE, “Wind Energy” – A much more coherent effort thatn GE’s “Scarecrow” spot. Nicely done job of juxtaposing a cute narrative with a corporate giant. B



Pepsi, “Pepsuber” – Dumber than Blagojevich, but ten times funnier. I probably shouldn’t like this spot, yet I do. B



Bud Light, “Bud Light Lime” – Nice effects, and I’m sure the shoot would’ve been a hoot to be on. But really, isn’t this just the opposite of Coors Light turning everything all chill and whatnot? The answer is yes. C+



GoDaddy.com, “Enhanced” – Again, just awful on every level. If my daughter ever shows an interest in racing, Danica Patrick will not be her role model. Terrible F

Again, no link for this trash.

And that’s that. Too bad it had to end with a GoDaddy.com spot. All in all, not a bad year. Not the best ever, but there have been much, much worse. I did miss FedEx as they usually have something pretty good.

And if anyone involved with any of these spots is reading, don’t take my criticism too seriously. I’d rather be in your shoes.

Later,

Fox