Super Hole IV: Nothin’ But a Tease

Apparently it’s not enough to just have a killer spot on the Super Bowl. Or even a lame spot. No, in this day and age, you have to build an integrated campaign that spans media channels, demographics and Twitter feeds to create, wait for it, synergy. While not every brand on this list produced teaser campaigns, enough did so to make it this year’s Super Cliché. I, naturally, missed most of the teasers as I was busy pitching new business and changing diapers – often simultaneously – in the weeks before the game. But whatever, an ad needs to stand on its own in victory or die, lonely and bitter, in the gutter that is the fourth annual Super Hole. Enjoy, Fox — Spots reviewed as they aired, more or less. Also, I don’t review regional ads (if I can tell they’re regional), film trailers or promos for CBS shows or the NFL. — Bud Light, “Light House” – I’ll give Bud Light credit for refraining from the scatological (that means “poop”) comedy from years past, but this didn’t really have the feel of a Super Bowl spot. Good production values, of course, but it seem like, well, any other Bud Light spot. You could call that creative consistency, but I won’t. B- — Snickers, “Betty & Abe” – This spot started off quite strongly with venerable comedienne Betty White getting walloped in a game of touch football and then talking smack. The payoff of “you’re not you when you’re hungry” however, was a let down (even if it is true as this diabetic can attest). If you’re going to intro a spot with Betty White at wide out, don’t change her to a pasty suburban dude halfway through the spot. Bonus points, naturally, for good use of Abe Vigoda in the stinger. B — Focus on the Family, “The Tebows” – Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahha. Okay, the ad itself wasn’t great, but the strategy was brilliant. This “controversial” ad – dubbed so by pro-abortion advocates who hadn’t even seen the spot – was nothing more than a classic “please visit our website” ad. No mention of abortion. Not even a hint. Just a proud mom who speaks of her “miracle baby.” Me, I would’ve said “abortion” seven or eight times during the spot, but I’m ornery like that. Still, feels good knowing a bunch of so-called pro-choice (as long as you choose to agree with us) folks got their collective BVDs in a wad over this. Spot: B, Strategy: A+ — Hyundai, “Paint” – This spot for Hyundai’s new Sonata sedan, filled with classical music and well-done slow motion footage, had me right until the end when the client and/or account supervisor insisted on inserting the supers “Better paint quality than Mercedes CLS550” and “Think about it.” Unnecessary and message-muddling. B- — Boost Mobile, “The Shuffle” – Twenty-five years after the Chicago Bears won the Super Bowl and tainted themselves with the stank of “The Super Bowl Shuffle,” Ditka, McMahon, Singletary and crew are back for another shot at rhythmless fame. Teasers were released in advance of this spot, and now I’m wondering why. Too obvious jokes and poor use of a Rascal – comedy sacrilege! And whoever thought Ditka saying “That’s fresh” was fresh was more wrong than going to Bears game without having a brat and a heart attack. C- https://youtube.com/watch?v=GLCbh2hAdqE — Doritos, “Bark Collar” – This first of this year’s winners of Doritos’s Let’s Tick Off Our Agency and Let Random People Shoot Our Super Bowl Spots Contest was fantastic. Not counting the hideous premise, awful CG and lack of understanding how a bark collar really works (sound and vibration). Did I say fantastic? I mean craptacular. D+ https://youtube.com/watch?v=hDqk8i8o6YQ — Doritos, “House Rules” The second winner in the Doritos contest was much better than the first. A little predictable, but well shot and the kid was a hoot. B https://youtube.com/watch?v=4rsEnwKrsvc — Bud Light, “Asteroid” – Strategy was a bit weird (is Bud Light really the sign of a good time or just a signal that a pack of D-bags is nearby?), but the spot gained momentum until the very end. And again, no farting horses. B https://youtube.com/watch?v=CECBnRfUsmM — Coca-Cola, “Hard Times – Mr. Burns” – Coke continues it’s “Happiness” campaign with what appeared be the entire cast of “The Simpsons.” Except we all know it wasn’t the entire cast as Hans Moleman didn’t die. Still, well played, Coca-Cola. Well played. A https://youtube.com/watch?v=EnUKurl7Fog — GoDaddy.com, “Spa” – Another year, another chance to berate GoDaddy.com for their skeeztacularly bad spots featuring never-a-role-model-to-my-daughter, Danica Patrick, with their pleas to “go online for the unrated version.” Oooooooooh. Please, GoDaddy, go away. F- I never link to GoDaddy spots. — Doritos, “Casket” – The third (of four, yowza) winner of the Contest That Shall Not Be Named. Doritos, you are dead to me. D https://youtube.com/watch?v=0Nxz-qiA8UQ — Bud Light, “Voice Box” – Hmmm, the Bud Light spots are getting progressively better. Dare I hope for a spot equal to Apple’s “1984” by the end of the game? Eh, no. But this spot was both fun and, hopefully, a message to Kanye, T-Pain (who appeared in the spot and must be laughing all the way to Da Bankz, yo) and the rest of the Auto-Tune crowd that their trick was played out the moment Cher released “Believe” back in 1998. B+ https://youtube.com/watch?v=mXoPloew3bk — Monster.com, “Fiddlin’ Beaver” – A beaver playing a fiddle? Funny idea. A beaver playing a fiddle promotion something called “precision job search” on Monster.com? No idea how the two tie together. Especially when it appears that said beaver just practiced and played his way to stardom, no want ad required. C https://youtube.com/watch?v=93AYSmrij_k — Bridgestone, “Whale of a Tale” – Had me until the end when the “Now that was a bachelor party” line turned it into a “The Hangover” knockoff. Could’ve used more physical comedy than verbal. And that’s saying something when were only two lines. That I remember. Don’t make me rewind the TiVo, people. B- https://youtube.com/watch?v=632pCs5rLDw — Skechers Shape-Ups, “Joe Montana Testimonials” Ummm, what? D- https://youtube.com/watch?v=LeiMpbR3Tvk — Cars.com, “Timothy Richmond” – Stellar production value, nice writing and a welcome low-key style. But this is simply a retread of Cars.com’s “David Abernathy” spot from last year. There’s even a medical intervention, and the final scene is nearly identical in execution. If I hadn’t seen this spot before, I’d like it a fair amount (although I still say the genius-stumped-by-used-cars is a bit of a stretch). But I have seen it before, so, well, meh. B- https://youtube.com/watch?v=Qnp7UPt8Kiw — Budweiser, “Bridge” – Nice buildup with the town rushing to the aid of the Bud delivery truck stuck at a downed bridge, but a little too much time was spent on the solution to said problem. Probably funnier if they’d just shown the tire tracks on the people’s backs at the bar instead. B- https://youtube.com/watch?v=twDMtTBArOc — CareerBuilder.com, “Casual Friday” – I don’t know if CareerBuilder.com will ever trump their chimp-based campaign that spawned a thousand Monk-E-Mails between me and my friends, but this one ranks pretty high up there. Nice use of tighty-whities and the guy’s disparaging remark about pants near the end was spot on. Voice over line beginning with “expose yourself” was a bit too snicker-snicker-tee-hee for my taste, though. Nonetheless, nice pants, Terry. A- https://youtube.com/watch?v=d1FxwagDP8A — Dockers, “No Pants” – Wow, two spots in a row featuring people with no pants. In this case, all men. And in this case, much less satisfying. If you’re going to have men wander around in their unmentionables, have them do something besides march through a field singing about said unmentionables. I’ll bet the agency is hating their media placement right about now. C — Hyundai, “Favre” – Jokes about Brett Favre growing old and repeated retiring should probably themselves be retired. But the execution of showing a 50-year-old Favre holding a hologram-producing MVP trophy (“Help me, replacement hips, you’re my only hope.”) and still waffling on retirement made me chuckle. B+ — Bud Light, “Stranded” – I assume this was a pretty spot-on parody of “Lost” given that I recognized as such while having only watched about 15 minutes of the series. Some good sight gags and slow burn looks from the (hold on, let me check IMDB) Kate knockoff. Still don’t get double tagline of “always the sign of a good time/here we go,” but anything beats the dreaded “Drinkability” campaign of yore. B https://youtube.com/watch?v=TjPDlAroblI — Dove Men’s Care, “A Boy’s Life” – Awesome, awesome, awesome spot for the wrong product. Up until the product reveal: A, After: C- — Dodge Charger, “Man’s Last Stand”If I’m putting up with all the stuff the soulless dudes in this spot apparently put with, I can tell you the car I won’t be driving in exchange for my subservience is a Dodge Charger. Car guys know this, so I can only assume this spot was aimed at fans of Ed Hardy gear. C https://youtube.com/watch?v=2RyPamyWotM — Teleflora, “Dead in a Box” – If you’re going to get Don Rickles to voice your insult-spewing box-o-tulips, let him be Rickles. Instead, Teleflora reshot last year’s dud while cranking down the muted irony and cranking up the elbows to the ribs. Although I think the guy that used to be in the Bud Light “Dr. Galakowitz” campaign might have appeared in drag. D+ https://youtube.com/watch?v=wh1FC8Uwg1A — Papa John’s, “Papa John Delivers” – I don’t mean to repeat myself, but ummmmmm, what? D https://youtube.com/watch?v=Rfl7f3fAz4o — Dr Pepper Cherry, “Dr. Love – Little Kiss” – Even midgets in Kiss makeup can’t salvage this “let’s deliver product benefits straight to the camera” mess. Dear advertisers of the world: The ratio of people who claim to think Kiss is cool versus the number of people who actually believe it is quite high. So stop already. C- https://youtube.com/watch?v=2tuS7Yap0KY — truTV, “Punxsutawney Polamalu” – An Oompa Loompa version of Pittsburgh Steelers fave Troy Polamalu (who was a in a Super Bowl spot last year for Coke Zero) replaces the world’s most famous groundhog and promises six more weeks of football. Pretty well done, but feels like it just needed a little more something something to push it over the edge. C’mon, man, yank it! B https://youtube.com/watch?v=wfkaKg0q0Sg — Universal Studios Orlando, “Harry Potter’s The Wizarding World” – Universal Studios seems to run a Super Bowl ad every year. And every year I wonder why. C- https://youtube.com/watch?v=mIysTlHEZLM — FLO TV, “Jim Nantz” – Grr. Arrg. This spot should’ve been funny. Premise wasn’t overtly original, but you don’t have to be original to be funny. You just have to let the writer write. Or maybe they did. Shame on you, writer! Also, the Chia Pet-esque “where to buy” tag really classed up the joint. Yeesh. C https://youtube.com/watch?v=09-M-S7Og0o — Intel, “Sad Robot” – “Okay, here’s the idea: A guy talks about how cool Intel’s new processors are and, in the process, hurts the company robot’s feelings. The end.” Maybe Apple should switch to AMD. C- https://youtube.com/watch?v=bbifmRBBN6Q — FLO TV, “My Generation Remix” – So FLO TV hires will.i.am to do what he did last year for Pepsi, only less creatively. Mmm-kay. C https://youtube.com/watch?v=rKUUfPG8vx8 — Miller High Life, “Small Businesses” – Not quite as nifty as last year’s one-second spot, but still a nice bit of minimalist awkward awesomeness. B+ https://youtube.com/watch?v=oDN7_j6ZQqg — Acura, “MDX” – Woman sees symbols followed by ugly, Japanese version of the Aztek. D No link; suspect this was regional. — Motorola, “Megan Fox – Motoblur” – Megan Fox in a bathtub pimping something called Motoblur that is either a phone or a phone feature. I couldn’t tell. And not because I was distracted by Megan Fox in a bathtub. I see better version of that every day, people. No, really, my wife’s name is Megan. Anyway, a tired technique with a couple funny bits. At least it wasn’t a GoDaddy.com spot. C https://youtube.com/watch?v=40-Oskte2uQ — Volkswagen, “Punch Dub” – Stevie Wonder notwithstanding, anyone who’s ever played this game knows it’s Slug Bug and not Punch Dub. You hit when you see an old Beetle, not some jalopy of a Jetta. If you’re going to co-opt lore about your brand – lore you didn’t create – have the courtesy to not jack with it. C https://youtube.com/watch?v=HR7JJmkUC_8 — Denny’s, “Free Breakfast – Chicken Warning” – I really shouldn’t like this spot as much as I do, and maybe it’s just the Girl Scout Thin Mints talking, but I thought it was a hoot. Used a screenwriting technique known as “the Pope in the pool” (look it up) to make what is basically a talking head spot interesting. Too bad the chicken puppets weren’t Muppets like I’d originally read. B https://youtube.com/watch?v=GtSKfb_iCfI — Michelob Ultra, “Little Bumps (Lance Armstrong)” – Let’s see here. Throw cash at famous athlete? Check. Throw cash at production? Check. Throw cash at media buy? Check. Produce memorable, relevant spot? Check please. D+ https://youtube.com/watch?v=SXnofSdO0y4 — HomeAway.com, “Vacation Teaser” – Hmmmm, the Griswolds return in a short film for a vacation home rental website. Spot wasn’t great as far as trailers go, but you had me at “Griswold.” Spot: B-, Strategy: A- https://youtube.com/watch?v=Cey36NRK0vQ — Bridgestone, “Your Tires or Your Life” – If you’re going to make a gag about someone mishearing “wife” for “life,” make sure said “wife” doesn’t look like a “hooker.” D+ https://youtube.com/watch?v=hNUWOu5BBX4 — KGB, “Sumo” – 500 pounds of dumb. Both the commercial and the service. D https://youtube.com/watch?v=DkgvBtt9ldw — Coca-Cola, “Sleepwalker” – Well-produced, but not terribly interesting. C https://youtube.com/watch?v=TkHA2pf1gvc — E*Trade, “Baby Girlfriend” – Okay, I’ve actually liked most of E*Trade’s talking baby campaign in the past because they put clever, adult dialogue into the mouths of a baby. Which is weird, but whatever. This ad? Well, let’s just say throwing in overtones of hot, baby action and a milkaholic floozy pushed it right on over the shark tank. C- https://youtube.com/watch?v=lEXZ2hfD3bU — U.S. Census Bureau, “Snapshot of America” – I do love me some Christopher Guest mockumentary action, but this spot (and the entire series) is just flat and a waste of my money. Do you understand why I want small government now, my hippie coworkers? Do you? C- https://youtube.com/watch?v=JHMEKDq4CZU — Google, “Parisian Love” – I was so ready to dog this spot after the first five seconds, but dang if it wasn’t effective in showing how Google can answer so many of life’s answers. Now I’m just creeped out. Where’s my New Testament? Shoot, Google probably knows that, too. Not evil? Ha! B+ https://youtube.com/watch?v=DxyVpSUw6Kg — Kia Sorento, “Sock Monkey Dreams” – Three words: Jet-skiing sock monkey. Okay, some more words. Great music, great direction, great editing, great ending line (which wasn’t spoken) to tie it all together. Bra-freakin’-vo. A https://youtube.com/watch?v=UJqs3D2vv4I — Bud Select 55, “World’s Lightest Beer” – Was this a regional spot? Sure felt like it. Message delivered! And ignored. C- https://youtube.com/watch?v=RGwAgHd12js — Vizio, “Beyonce” – Well, at least this year’s Vizio ad wasn’t as mind-numbingly dumb as last year’s Vizio ad. Might want to try for some more au courant internet memes next time, though. C https://youtube.com/watch?v=TKUn4emDmfU — Diamond Foods, “Emerald Nuts & Pop Secret” – Sad + sad = sadder. D+ — Electronic Arts, “Dante’s Inferno: Go to Hell” – EA makes an interesting choice in pairing footage from its ultra-graphic new video game “Dante’s Inferno” with Bill Wither’s “Ain’t No Sunshine.” The music actually works quite well, but the footage feels a bit too much like a standard-issue video game trailer. B- — Budweiser, “Clydesdale & The Bull” – Well, there was 60 seconds of nothin’. D https://youtube.com/watch?v=ajBMwUwbeDU — Honda, “Crosstour Squirrel” – Writer: So, how do we pimp this bloated Accord/SUV mashup that looks like a Honda-fied Pontiac Aztek? Art director: I dunno, put a squirrel in it? Writer: Done. C — Denny’s, “Chickens Across America” – Worth it if only for the chicken screaming silently in space. B https://youtube.com/watch?v=U4R5tDgZFQM — Audi A3, “The Green Police” – I’m torn on this one. I like how most of the spot exposes the utter ridiculousness of the über-greens. But then they turn around and connect their A3 TDI diesel to the same movement. Not as cool as last year’s “The Chase” spot, either. Still, a good use of Cheap Trick. B https://youtube.com/watch?v=zVhT7P0lDfI — Taco Bell, “Charles Barkley – NBA Buck Box” – Third time’s the charm: Uhhhhhhh, what? D https://youtube.com/watch?v=kfw4xDQdbWQ — Doritos, “Snack Attack Samurai” – The fourth and final “winner” in the contest I gave up caring about years ago. C https://youtube.com/watch?v=OFSEto4FKEs — Bud Light, “Book Club” – Bud Light saves the weak sister for the end. Even the preceding Doritos ad was better. Ouch.C- https://youtube.com/watch?v=zZ1ve6GJTxE — Hyundai Sonata, “Built by Hand” – Reminded me of the original Saturn work. In a good way. Not especially powerful for a Super Bowl spot, but nice branding nonetheless. B- https://youtube.com/watch?v=wyqgqz70QdU — E*Trade, “Tears” – Did E*Trade switch agencies or something because, wow, not good. D https://youtube.com/watch?v=LMtqDTrj0Xg — GoDaddy.com, “News” – Another “go here for an unrated version” tease from my least-favorite advertiser extant. More Danica. More T&A. More fail. F As usual, I don’t link to GoDaddy’s garbage. — Denny’s, “Chicken Birthday” – Okay, we get it. C https://youtube.com/watch?v=EKc15rQKtk0 — And in case you forgot, the New Orleans Saints beat the Indianapolis Colts 31-17.