September 18, 1972 - Born. Kidnapped for three hours by stoned illusionist Doug Henning. Henning is later sentenced to permanently retain his Magician’s Mullet.

December 1974 - Falls off chair and breaks leg. Amidst speculation of foul play, Doug Henning flees to Alberta and is last seen levitating a bong.

November 22, 1976 - Suspended from preschool for insisting he be addressed as “The King of Blaxploitation, Shaft Himself, Mr. Richard Roundtree.”

August 27, 1977 - Enters kindergarten at William Yates Elementary. Within hours, becomes addicted to paste; gets the shakes during nap time.

June 17, 1987 - Wins Nobel Prize in Physics for work involving Berry Blue Kool-Aid and its use as a catalyst in cold fusion.

September 20, 1988 - Passes driver’s license test despite insistence on performing the non-required perpendicular parking maneuver.

May 30, 1990 - Graduates from Blue Springs High School; spends summer months pining for more knowledge.

September 3, 1990 - Enters Washington University in St. Louis; quickly tires of explaining to people that WU is not in Washington.  

April 22, 1991 - Wins Nobel Prize in Chemistry for discovering “flubber.”

April 23, 1991 - Sued by Fred MacMurray who claims to be the original inventor of flubber.

April 24, 1991 - MacMurray drops lawsuit after realizing that he is, in fact, dead.

April 25, 1991 - Traumatized at being sued by one of the nation’s most-beloved dead people, gives up groundbreaking scientific research.

January 3, 1994 - Wins Pulitzer Prize for book titled “Just Say Cheese: the Herman Velveeta Story.”

May 20, 1994, 10 a.m. - Graduates from Washington University chock full of $80,000 worth of knowledge.

May 20, 1994, 3 p.m. - Begins postgraduate work at Burger King.

September 9, 1994 - Along with his roommate, adopts a miniature potbelly pig named Elvis.

October 28, 1994 - “Halloween with the King” party turns ugly when Elvis the pig runs out of peanut slop and nanner sandwiches.

November 18, 1994 - Elvis passes on before reaching his bloated, leisure-suit-wearing days.

December 4, 1994 - Elvis’ half-brother Oreo joins the household. He eventually eats:

a. 3 boxes of Hershey bars
b. A Dodge Aries
c. A stereo speaker
d. A wall
e. Al Sharpton

January 2, 1995 - Goes to work at Smith Advertising.

January 3, 1995 - Daily grind of advertising begins taking its toll; paste addiction resurfaces.

August 3, 1995 - Pens lyrics to the Jiffy Lube jingle “All Across America.” Blinded by God for three days as punishment.

January 1996 - Smith Advertising receives Bronze Award at KC Omni Awards for a television spot; celebration culminates with the ceremonial placing of the award into a dresser drawer.

May 11, 1996 - Writes classic funeral services brochure “Cremains of the Day.” Blinded for 5 days by client.

January 31, 1997 - Final day at Smith Advertising.

February 1, 1997 - Dies of complications arising from a hangnail.

February 15, 1997 - Resurrected by credit union in order to make car payment.

March 1997 - Begins freelance career as writer/midget wrangler.

April 23, 1997 - Ends freelance career by joining Bernstein-Rein. Promptly makes it a Blockbuster night while enjoying a Happy Meal and a can of Ol’ Roy. (I'm still waiting for my royalty check, Bob.)

July 1997 - Along with AD partner Dan Lutz, wins creative shoot-out to produce spot for Planet Hollywood. Client immediately sucks out any real conceptual content. (True item)

November 12-17, 1997 - Spends week in L.A. shooting Planet Hollywood spot. Has guest spot on “Buffy” as Cordelia’s love interest. Gets eaten by demonic squirrel at the wrap party.

November 19, 1997 - Planet Hollywood discloses a $40 million loss for the quarter, prompting Arnold to wax poetic: “Dis eez crap. I declare Tuesdays to be Ah-nold’s 2-for-1 Burger Night.” Spot is shelved.

December 1997 - Loses tens of dollars in failed IPO for TheChristmasDreidel.com.

March 4, 1998 - Ignoring Kenny Rodgers’ advice, counts money while sitting at the table.

June 1998 - Midget wrangling license revoked after infamous Billy Barty vs. Paul Williams “Tussle in Tulsa” grudge match when it is discovered that Paul Williams, technically speaking, has bad hair.

September 18, 1998 - Celebrates birthday by getting arrested for violating restraining order against stalking Laugh-In comedian Ruth Buzzi.

June 2, 1999 - In a private ceremony on Alcatraz Island, marries longtime sweetheart Kathie Lee Gifford.

June 3, 1999 - Realizes he has mistakenly married Kathy Lee Crosby. Regis immediately undergoes sixth angioplasty. Cody takes a bath.

August 1999 - May 2000 - Sleeps.

July 2000 - Wins out-of-court settlement from the makers of Mentos for “failure to induce sufficient freshness.”

August 12, 2000 - Ignores label warning “not for curly hair” and is fatally injured in freak Flowbee accident while attempting to shave back. Nonetheless, wackiness ensues.

August 13 - 17, 2000 - Lies in state in the food court of the Great Mall of the Great Plains. No fewer than sixteen people ask corpse for directions to the Gap.

November 29, 2000 - Resurrected by combination of acupuncture, herbal teas and a “Wessonality” massage by Florence Henderson.

December 1, 2000 - Stuck with a shiv by a jealous Barry “Don't Call Me Greg Brady” Williams. Williams sentenced to 30 years of performing “Man of la Mancha” in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Jan fingers Marcia in death of Notorious B.I.G.

December 22, 2000 - Fails in attempt to get Congress to pass resolution changing Christmas to Pagan Smackdown Day.

December 24, 2000 - Whilst playing pinochle in the Capitol tundra, gets stuck with a shiv by a pantsless Ted Kennedy.

December 31, 2000 - Ends millennium shiv-free. Resolves to spend more time “working it” and “shouting out mad props” to his “peeps.”

January 14, 2001 - Discontinues court-ordered psychotropic drugs. Rechristens self as Goodtime Shoehorn. The Pope applauds this courageous move.

January 25, 2001 - Despite pleas from Sarah Jessica Parker (“Do it for Ferris!”), turns down guest starring role as a boy toy on HBO’s “Sex and the City,” feeling the role hits too close to home.

February 11, 2001 - Fails to make room for Jell-O™.

March 17, 2001 - Arrested for alleged “lewd and lascivious conduct with a purple horseshoe.” Bail posted by a heartbroken, yet dead, Doug Henning.

March 18, 2001 - Charges dropped due to lack of caring.

March 24, 2001 - Testifies in the trial of rapper, entertainer, impresario and all-around uber-jackass Sean “Puffy” “Puff Daddy” ”P. Diddy” Combs. Proves an unreliable witness for the prosecution by admitting to being “hypnotized by J-Lo’s booty.” A grateful Puffy shows his appreciation by changing his name to Gangsta Shoehorn.

April 2, 2001 - High eBay bidder for Cody revealed to be Kelly Ripa, new co-host of “Live with Regis and His Prostate.” Ripa later tenders an offer of $19.99 to Kathie Lee in exchange for Frank. A shrewd and shrewish Kathie Lee holds out for $24.95.

April 15, 2001 - Refuses to pay federal income tax on grounds that “Dubya gots enough orl money already.” An unamused IRS seizes Willie Nelson's ponytail just for spite. It is later auctioned off to Kelly Ripa.

May 4, 2001 - After being hit in the head with a 48-pound economy-sized tub of Jif Peanut Butter (creamy) at a local Sam’s Club, mistakenly thinks it’s 1998 and proceeds to git jiggy wit it in the produce section.

May 23, 2001 - Becomes first heterosexual male to purchase a shirt at Banana Republic since 1986. A visibly shaken sales drone mutters, “What’s next? Urban Outfitters?”

June 3 - August 31, 2001 - Attempts to simulate a walking tour of Europe by walking a treadmill while watching DVDs of “The Sound of Music,” “Gigi,” “The Quiet Man” and “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”

October 31, 2001 - Severely beaten at Halloween party when sensitive, post-9/11 revelers mistake “Charlton Heston as Moses” costume as an homage to Taliban leader/game show mainstay Charles Nelson Reilly.

November 15, 2001 - Questioned by Jackson County Sheriffs Department in regards to several missing Tofurkey salesmen. Investigation ends when deputies remember how much they were hoping “someone would smite them soy-suckin’ hippies.”

November 29, 2001 - Suspected myocardial infarction diagnosed as leftover Thanksgiving giblet lodged in esophagus. HMO refuses to be amused, sues Regis.

December 18, 2001 - Prepares for Pagan Smackdown Day (Christmas) by visiting Stonehenge and applying “some really mean atomic wedgies” on a band of roving Druids.

December 19, 2001 - Discovers roving band of Druids to actually be group of extremely lost followers of blah band Phish. Reapplies atomic wedgies.

December 25, 2001 - Celebrates Pagan Smackdown Day by performing a rousing, Yuletide chorus of “Cat Scratch Fever” on hand bells. Upon hearing this rendition, Motor City Madman Ted Nugent gets weepy and kills Bambi’s mother.

December 26, 2001 - Finishes off Bambi’s mother leftovers.

December 27, 2001 - Picketed by PETA for “cruel and unusual treatment of cartoon characters.” Refuses to apologize to Ted Nugent.

December 31, 2001 - Ted Nugent reveals himself to be none other than Doug Henning. Ted Nugent promptly dies.

January 1, 2002 - Spends day nursing a wicked venison hangover.

January 14 , 2002 - Replacing Vince Neil, joins Tommy Lee, Nikki Sixx and Mick Mars in the reformed and rechristened Mötley Shöehorn.

January 24, 2002 - Mötley Shöehorn makes first public appearance on “The View.” Performs first single “Red Hot Rock Mama (The Meredith Vieira Song)” to a standing ovation. Star Jones bites the head off Mick Mars.

January 25, 2002 - Amidst accusations of Bible reading, quits Mötley Shöehorn. Vince Neil remains fat.

February 14, 2002 - Successfully hides bitterness for 15th consecutive year.

February 23, 2002 - While visiting friends in LA, meets Jennifer Garner of ABC’s “Alias” while waiting in line for a coffee bean colonic. Promptly has the bejeepers beaten out of him by Garner.

February 27, 2002 - Assumes role of Hollywood bad boy/boy toy for an apologetic Garner when she dumps husband/actor Scott Foley because “he wasn't anything like his character on ‘Felicity.’”

March 3, 2002 - Wrestles auteur Steven Soderbergh in wet cement outside Mann‘s Chinese Theater meant for the handprints of Conrad “Mr. Drummond” Bain. Soderbergh films incident on a VHS-C camcorder, edits the footage on a 1984-era Timex Sinclair and releases the finished film titled “A Movie Without Brad Pitt” to rave reviews.

March 24, 2002 - Attends the Oscars with confirmed sweetie Jennifer Garner. Astonishes 1.1 billion people around the globe by revealing that host Whoopi Goldberg is, in reality, not funny. Garner beats the bejeepers out of seat filler Gilbert Gottfried.

April 3, 2002 – Ignoring Oprah’s warnings to “don’t go there,” goes there.

April 12, 2002 – Having failed to do something really stupid for nigh on twelve hours, breaks off relationship with Jennifer Garner. Scott Foley promoted to Head Foamer at Santa Monica Starbucks.

May 2, 2002 – After six years of intense haranguing by various drive-thru lackeys, finally agrees to supersize it.

May 13, 2002 – Accidentally produces good advertising, appears in Adweek.

May 14, 2002 – Flush with advertising joy, declares himself King of the World. Marries Linda Hamilton. Sued by the Friar’s Club for being five years behind the curve on this joke.

May 15, 2002 – Marriage to Hamilton declared invalid when it is learned that she is not human but is, instead, James Cameron.

August 12, 2002 - Unable to resist the combined power of caramel and nougat, eats a Milky Way.

August 14, 2002 - Spends 14 hours outside in 104-degree heat in an effort to become the world’s first self-basting human.

August 23, 2002 – Snatches pebble from David Carradine’s hand; arrested for theft. Chi goes askew.

August 26, 2002 – Switches to Pat “Mr. Myagi” Morita philosophy of martial arts citing “Arnold’s wicked-awesome” crane maneuver as “totally whack, but in a good, Joanie-Loves-Chachi kinda way.”

August 28, 2002 – Succumbs to Cub Scout den #202 while they attempt to earn their vigilante merit badges. Threats of “waxing off” fail to instill fear in boys born after 1984.

September 18, 2002 - Celebrates thirtieth birthday by regaling the youthful hipsters at the DQ with tales of Pong and the Betamax vs. VHS wars. Later, cuts loose “Cy Sperling style” with a case a Propecia™. Finally arrested after charging into a Conoco on a Krispy Kreme®-fueled rage demanding Slim Jims, Marlboros and “the stalest microwave burrito you Don Juan Bastardos got.”

October 14, 2002 - Inspired by pseudo-punk popstress Avril Lavigne’s necktie fetish, attempts to popularize another male-oriented item of clothing with teen girls. The Bedazzled Jock Strap is an instant smash.

October 17, 2002 - Makes 32nd appearance on “Live with Kelly and Regis’s Prostate” to promote the Bedazzled Jock Strap, or BJS as it has come to be known. A confused Regis refers to the BJS as “Gifford.”

October 18, 2002 - BJS mania comes to a tragic conclusion after a riot in an Oskaloosa Wal-Mart results in the death of beloved “Rollback” pitch-icon Smiley. Kofi Annan weeps openly at a Manhattan Starbucks.

November 5, 2002 - Defeats Missouri Senator Carnahan in general election vowing to “rid America of the most vile threat to our peace, well being and way of life – Dr. Phil.”

November 28, 2002 - With wits dulled by tryptophan, goes against conventional wisdom by having cake and eating it, too.

December 2002 - Gives up efforts to rename Christmas “Pagan Smackdown Day” in favor of renaming it “ChristinaAguileramas.” Confused pontiff John Paul declares the idea “bangin’.”

January 8, 2003 - Makes it through the first round of ABC’s “The Bachelorette” by impressing bachelorette Trista with amusing tales of bingo-hustling past along Florida’s Gray Mile.

January 9, 2003 - ABC cancels “The Bachelorette” after Trista is found pummeled with her own ego by a disgruntled Jennifer Garner.

January 20, 2003 - Gets medieval on Eurotrash model Fabio after discovering that I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter is, in fact, Ernest Borgnine.

February 2, 2003 - Makes international headlines by revealing that Punxsutawney Phil, the official groundhog of Groundhog Day, is actually a muskrat with a pituitary ailment.

February 12, 2003 - Denies U.N. weapons inspectors access to sofa cushion-clad Fortress of Dorkitude.

February 16, 2003 - U2 front man Bono’s attempts to mediate the U.N. - Shoehorn stand-off collapse when a tweakin’ Kofi Annan confuses U2’s classic anthem “Sunday Bloody Sunday” with football/blimp disaster movie “Black Sunday.”

February 27, 2003 - Abe Vigoda doesn’t die.

March 8, 2003 - Declares a jihad against gingivitis.

March 9, 2003 - Gives up jihad when after-breakfast flossing stretches into mid-afternoon, interrupting quality alone time with Judge Judy.

March 21, 2003 - Signs up to become an embedded reporter with the 101st Division of the Salvation Army.

April 11, 2003 - Gets engaged to sweetie and bona fide hottie Megan. Kathie Lee, Kelly Ripa, Meredith Vieira, Jennifer Garner and the Bachelorette chick all perform self-immolation in a touching ceremony captured on film by the cameras of “Access Hollywood.” Sadly, Pat O'Brien escapes unscathed.

April 18, 2003 - At a rumble between Bush supporters and anti-war peaceniks, is tasered by Janeane Garofalo after quipping, “You were really cute in those ‘Addams Family’ movies.”

April 27, 2003 - Helps Daddy with Shake ’n’ Bake.

May 5, 2003 - Finally knocks the battery from an aging, slower Robert Conrad’s shoulder.

May 10, 2003 - Holds press conference to confirm rumors that “American Idol” hopeful Clay Aikens is really the Scarecrow from “The Wizard of Oz.”

May 29, 2003 - While preparing to see “X2: X-Men United,” suffers gross bodily injury attempting to style hair into a Wolverine-esque do. Blames double gluteus pull on “the unholy holding power of Dep” and vows to exact revenge on “21 Jump Street” alum Peter DeLuise.

June 5, 2003 - Kicks the bucket and is forcibly removed from KFC.

June 12, 2003 - Celebrates mother’s birthday by purchasing Vanilla Ice’s famed “word to ya mutha” jacket from a near penniless Don Rickles.

June 13, 2003 - De-lices Vanilla Ice’s jacket.

June 31, 2003 - Remembers there is no June 31.

July 4, 2003 - Mistakenly bypasses Roman candles for the French variety. Spends evening lighting candles that shoot nothing while emitting an irritating whine.

July 22, 2003 – Suffers whiplash while snapping into a Slim Jim.

August 9, 2003 – Forgets password, losing access to ilovethewiggles.com.

August 23, 2003 – Bachelor party kicks off with a rousing rendition of the Doxology performed by groomsman Yanni. Later, napping ensues.

September 7, 2003 – Marries bona fide hottie Megan in a touching ceremony not involving a single monkey.

September 13, 2003 – Commences mooning the honey in Charleston, South Carolina. Local constabulary is not amused.

September 16, 2003 – Initiates the Second American Civil War by declaring Fort Sumter “domain of The Supreme Ruler: Shoehorn the First.”

September 17, 2003 – Surrenders Fort Sumter for a plate of fried green tomatoes.

October 3, 2003 – Shakes it like a Polaroid picture, invents the Official White Guy Dance of the Decade.

October 12, 2003 – Mistakenly celebrates Columbus Day in Cincinnati.

October 27, 2003 – Fails to pop-and-lock for the 11,354th consecutive day.

November 14, 2003 – Mistakenly donates to Howard Dean’s presidential campaign due to a “profound-yet-manly love for Richard Dean ‘MacGyver’ Anderson.”

November 16, 2003 – Requests refund from Dean campaign; personally yelled at by Democratic also-ran and Mayor of Vermont Howard Dean.

November 30, 2003 – Realizes his milkshake is better than yours. Commences charging.

December 8, 2003 – Weeps upon reflecting that, as a Protestant, has never once even raised a voice in mild disgust.

December 13-14, 2003 – Holds first ever Borgnineapalooza featuring over 40 hours of Tivo’ed programming. Tivo explodes during third showing of “Convoy.” None of the three festival attendees is physically harmed.

December 26-30, 2003 – Celebrates Christmas with the in-laws in lovely Argyle, Iowa. Pie-based bloating ensues.

January 1, 2004 – Declares 2004 the Year of the Foxes. Promptly sued by Jodie Foster and Scott Baio who insist the Year of the Foxes was 1980.

January 4, 2004 – Sticks it to the Man.

January 5, 2004 – Arrested on suspicion of “sticking it with intent to jive.”

January 23, 2004 – Declares intent to name first child “Ficus.” Wife renews Ortho Tri-Cyclen prescription.

February 1, 2004 – Wins office Super Bowl pool. Visits disneyworld.com.

February 12, 2004 – Nearly strangles self in freak curl activator mishap.

February 14, 2004 – Makes bizarre “Barry White” mix CD for sweetie by mashing up Barry Manilow with the White Stripes.

February 24, 2004 - Launches write-in presidential campaign for value-based auto body painting magnate Earl Scheib.

February 25, 2004 - Eaten by bigfoot.

March 12, 2004 - Learns Earl Scheib is dead. Offers to paint an homage to Scheib for $99. The Scheib Family tearfully accepts.

March 14, 2004 - The "Earl Scheib Memorial Tribute Memorial" begins peeling.

April 15, 2004 - Attempts to pay income taxes with a few Barry Bonds rookie cards, a case of Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies and an autograph that looks "vaguely Hasselhoffian."

April 18, 2004 - Founds the Get Our Soldiers Out of IROCs League declaring, "None of our brave men and women should be forced to drive a primer-grey 1988 Camaro with t-tops."

April 21, 2004 - Replaces Karen Jurgensen as editor at "USA Today" promising "more colorful inks that are easier to transfer to Silly Putty." Circulation skyrockets in the hot 4- to 6-year-old demographic.

May 1, 2004 - Attempts to join the European Union with claims of being Supreme Ruler of Funkistan.

May 2, 2004 - EU accepts Funkistan acknowledging, "We need something to counterbalance those cursed mimes."

May 18, 2004 - Loses bare-knuckles brawl to Alan Greenspan, ensuring the aging economist another four-year term at the Fed.

June 1, 2004 - Assumes role as Interim Prime Minister of Iraq amongst complaints of being "the pastiest Kurd we've every seen."

June 11, 2004 - Shocks the media with startling revelation that "insurgents" is just a watered-down word for "terrorists." Dan Rather denies culpability.

June 22, 2004 - After waiting in line for 10 days, becomes first person to purchase Bill Clinton's autobiography "Hustler." Said tome disintegrates moments later in a matter/antimatter-like reaction when it comes into contact with a copy of "The Purpose Driven Life."

June 28, 2004 - Hands over power of positive thinking to interim Iraqi government.

July 4, 2004 - Critically injured in drive-by Roman candling. Remains patriotic.

July 7, 2004 - Protests indictment of former Enron chief Ken Lay by eating 12 bags of Lay's B-B-Q style potato chips and a half a can of Ken-L-Ration Tender Chunks.

July 8, 2004 - Vomits profusely.

July 29, 2004 - Moments after John Kerry accepts the Democratic Party nomination, shocks the world by revealing that Kerry's three Vietnam purple hearts are, in fact, leftover chocolates from Valentine's Day 1973.

August 15, 2004 - Wins office pool when astrophysicist Stephen Hawking reverses himself and claims that information can be retrieved from black holes. Socks, however, cannot.

August 20, 2004 - Arrested for attempted arson of Kirstie Allie.

August 22, 2004 - Swipes The Scream and The Madonna from Oslo's Edward Munch museum. Returns masterworks in exchange for Special Edition DVDs of Scream 3 and Body of Evidence.

September 1, 2004 - Drops allegations that Laker star Kobe Bryant is the mutated genetic mash-up of a Japanese steer and Bryant Gumble.

September 2, 2004 - Gets all Zell Miller on the behind-the-counter staff at a local Chuck E. Cheese's demanding that "Mr. Charles Edward Fromage quit destroying America's youth via germ-laden ball pits."

September 7, 2004 - Marks one year wedding anniversary by burning all six remaining copies of the J-Lo-tastic "The Wedding Planner." STARZ network shuts down due to lack of programming.

September 12, 2004 - Doug Henning remains stone cold.

September 22, 2004 - Confirmed as head of CIA vowing to get to the bottom of the whole "Sydney Bristow-Michael Vaughan shenanigans."

September 23, 2004 - Removed as head of CIA for overuse of the word "shenanigans."

September 24, 2004 - Hired by restaurant chain Bennigan's as Head of Shenanigans. Deep-fries self.

October 2, 2004 - Laughs in the face of death. Death vows to find a new moisturizing derma-cream.

October 4, 2004 - Pilots SpaceShipOnePointFive into low-altitude orbit of Rosie O'Donnell's ego. Wins Ansari X Consolation Prize of X-Files prop mucous and a case of Skittles.

October 21, 2004 - During cable access-televised debate with Walter Mondale, rankles the former presidential candidate/punching bag by repeatedly asking "How did it feel to be replaced by Jack Klugman for the TV version?"

October 30, 2004 - Tiring of keeping it real, decides to keep it in some Tupperware.

November 2, 2004 - Fails in write-in campaign to elect Kermit Thelonious "The" Frog president of the Rainbow Coalition. Promises investigation to discover just what in the hootenanny that Gonzo character is.

November 3, 2004 - Declared winner of Afghanistan presidential election after vowing to provide "cool dogs and blankets for all."

December 14, 2004 - At opening of France's 1,000-feet-high Millau Viaduct, is awarded ownership of said bridge when French officials cower at "Don't Mess with Texas" t-shirt.

December 17, 2004 - Convinces EU to admit that Turkey is a tasty meat. Sedated by tryptophan, EU sleeps for 12 days to no one's inconvenience.

December 26, 2004 - Prays again.

January 3, 2005 - Joins former Presidents George H. W. Bush and Bill W. T. Clinton in a pay-per-view deathmatch entitled Ring-Around-the-Rosy Bloodsport '99 VI.

January 9, 2005 - Loses election to become president of Palestinian Authority to Curtis "Booger" Armstrong. In celebration, nerds across the globe fire laser pointers into the air, hitting several JetBlue crop dusters, and are promptly arrested by the FAA, FBI and FFA.

January 10, 2005 - Narrowly escapes incrimination in "Rathergate" by distracting Les Moonves with Les Nessman-branded Moon Pies.

January 16, 2005 - Fails to win Golden Globe for Best Supporting Undergarment for 16th straight year.

January 19, 2005 - Wins office pool when cancer officially overtakes heart disease as America's top killer.

January 20, 2005 - Gets thoroughly pummeled by cancer-surviving Spandex® enthusiast Lance Armstrong.

February 1, 2005 - Unable to handle the simultaneous occurrence of the Kyoto Treaty taking effect and the NHL canceling the entire hockey season, watches pilot episode of 1985 TV series "Small Wonder" 723 times.

February 4, 2005 - Resigns from Bernstein-Rein Advertising citing "value-based exhaustion."

February 10, 2005 - In response to North Korea's claims that it possesses nuclear weapons, furrows brow.

February 15, 2005 - Sues restaurant chain Hooters for "failure to provide adequate owl-based fun."

February 16, 2005 - Jams.

February 28, 2005 - Begins working at Dallas advertising agency Firehouse. Sent home for a "suspender-related incident unbecoming a hack."

March 4, 2005 - Upon her release from prison, attacks Martha Stewart with a pinecone shiv.

March 9, 2005 - Fails to watch or even TiVo Dan Rather's final broadcast as anchor of "CBS Evening News."

March 17, 2005 - Testifies before Congress claiming to "have never, never, ever, never not been juiced up on the sweet liqueur of 'roids." Raphael Palmeiro bites the head off Sen. Nancy Pelosi.

March 22, 2005 - Toasts the most perfectly toasted piece of toast ever toasted.

March 24, 2005 - Gives the Perfect Toast to wife Megan for her birthday. Wackiness does not ensue.

April 9, 2005 - While attempting to purchase tickets for the London comeback tour of the Bay City Rollers, accidentally attends wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Lewis Bowles. Performs a wicked soft shoe with the Queen at the reception held at Lou's Fish 'n' Chips 'n' Back Alley Dentistry.

April 10, 2005 - Jets back to Augusta, Georgia, just in time to see Tiger Woods' hairline recede another inch.

April 19, 2005 - Spends day in repose attempting to figure out how John "Cliff Clavin" Ratzenberger ascended to become Pope Benedict XVI.

April 30, 2005 - Lures runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks out of hiding with a bag of Funyuns.

May 3, 2005 - Bastes self.

May 15, 2005 - Escorts Secretary of State Condoleeza "Don't Call Me Weezy" Rice to Iraq to promote democracy, freedom and Uncle Ben's Cajun Sensations Instant Rice.

May 19, 2005 - Receives mild chuckles from passersby by exclaiming, "Those jalapeno nachos sure gave me the revenge of the Sith!"

May 31, 2005 - Ending years of speculation, breaks media silence to reveal that Deep Throat is, in fact, a creation of Disney Imagineers™. Richard Nixon posthumously reinstated as President.

June 1, 2005 - President Nixon signs legislation declaring Waffle House to be "officially tasty." President-in-Waiting Hillary Dennis Rodham Clinton throws her support behind roadside favorite Old Country Buffet.

June 2, 2005 - President Nixon relinquishes presidential duties in order to begin filming season 5 of "24."

June 13, 2005 - Once again fails to read "The Da Vinci Code."

June 20, 2005 - Crosses the aisle and sides with Senate Democrats to block the appointment of Michael Bolton as ambassador to the UN stating, "Even the New World Order doesn't deserve to be lite rocked."

June 27, 2005 - In celebration of the U.S. Supreme Court's decision that the Ten Commandments may be displayed in public forums, attempts to part the red sea of Donald Trump's hair.

July 2, 2005 - Rocks Live 8 hard with a stirring rendition of Young MC's "Bust-a-Move" featuring Alicia Keys. Bob Geldof transfers knighthood to the newly christened Sir Shoehorn of Jolly Times.

July 24, 2005 - Wins seventh consecutive Tour de Frank, a 50-yard dash/stroll between Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs and a deserted A&W in Okolnona, Kentucky. Immediately signs two-figure endorsement deal with Gatorade.

August 3, 2005 - One-ups South Korean scientists' claim of cloning a dog by producing sixteen mint BetaMax copies of "Leonard Part 6."

August 12, 2005 - Informed by a tenderly hostile Jack Palance that he does, indeed, need some fancy cologne to tell him he's a man, freaks out at idea of sentient perfume. Believe it or not.

August 19, 2005 - Welcomes home Pancake, the Cutest Dog Ever Created by the Lord™.

August 28, 2005 - Issues a moratorium on wackiness.

September 14, 2005 - Buys Northwest and Delta Airlines for $257.33 and a six pack of Zima XXX.

October 3, 2005 - Withdraws nomination to U.S. Supreme Court upon learning that retiring justice Carroll O'Connor is neither a justice, a woman or alive.

October 28, 2005 - Goes into seclusion to ponder how Scooter from the Muppet Show ended up an indicted advisor to the Vice President.

November 17, 2005 - Wrassles Rep. John Murtha until Murtha agrees to stop doing commercials for Big Lots.

November 20, 2005 - Helps quell French riots by promising the disenfranchised youths their very own chain of Stuckey's Roadside Diners and Shellacked Hillbilly Art Stores.

November 21, 2005 - Realizing he has helped the French, flogs himself with a mime.

November 22, 2005 - After 25 years on the air, retires as Ted Koppel's hairpiece.

December 4, 2005 - Visits Kurdistan. Disappointed by lack of cheese-based fun.

December 8, 2005 - Wishes everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and packs in 2005 three and a half weeks ahead of schedule, receiving over $5 million in bonus money from Haliburton for getting the job done early.

January 1, 2006 - Discovers that people born the year he graduated high school will be old enough to legally drive this year, gets shin implants to retain youthful appearance.

January 3, 2006 - Against the wishes of the U.N., resumes nuclear research in hopes of finding W's missing second U.

January 10, 2006 - Throws down with Andy Willoughby after releasing a two-step home business plan.

February 4, 2006 - Posts favorite "Bloom County" comic strip on blog, enraging Islamofascists worldwide for its portrayal of Bill the Cat as a "lackey of the Bush/Israel power axis" despite the fact that the strip originally ran in 1987. Protestors do concede that Opus the penguin is "blessed with the humor of an ugly virgin."

February 11, 2006 - Avoids getting eye poked out by veep "Dead-eye" Dick Cheney's Red Ryder BB Gun.

March 5, 2006 - To chants of "Doogie rocks!" infiltrates 78th Oscar Ceremony. Accidentally gets some of Jake Gyllenhaal's ego on his shoe. Gyllenhaal remains moody, yet doleful.

March 16, 2006 - After Hollywood runs out of movie stars, signs on to cast of "Oceans 13" as, according to director Steven Soderbergh, Matt Damon's "extremely fraternal twin brother."

March 21, 2006 - Celebrates the eternal promise of Spring by joining the cast of Disney's "High School Musical" as Creepy 16th-Year Senior the Chicks Can't Get Enough Of #2.

April 1, 2006 - Proving Aaron Neville to be a modern-day Nostradamus, becomes last person on earth to play the fool.

April 7, 2006 - Resigns from "The View" to take over as Head Idiot With a Banner outside the "Today Show" studio windows. Speculation runs rampant in Denny's nationwide as to whether banner will say "Happy birthday, snookums!" or "John 3:15 is also a good verse!"

April 17, 2006 - Though nowhere near London, somehow gets run over by a medicinally stoned George Michael.

April 18, 2006 - Acts as screaming surrogate of silent Scientologist Katie Joey-Pacey-Holmes-Cruise as she gives birth to Suri Cruise-Hubbard. Papa Tom jumps on Oprah.

May 1, 2006 - Takes day off. Spends 14 futile hours at On The Border attempting to determine which part of his empanadas is Tex and which part is Mex.

May 18, 2006 - Joins high schoolers in Beverly Hills on a field trip to see Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth." According to Al, it's highly inconvenient that he's not president and that Goobers do not come individually wrapped. Students produce some hydrocarbons just for fun.

May 19, 2006 - Thanks to a prize in a long-lost box of Trix cereal from 1974, solves the Da Vinci Code, which says, "Drink more Ovaltine."

June 1, 2006 - Enters summer hibernation after ingesting 22 boxes of Ding Dongs, a quart of herbal tea and some random pill from the back of the medicine cabinet.

June 2, 2006 - Ends hibernation to ingest one more box of Ding Dongs.

June 17, 2006 - Fourteen months late, realizes that Mariah Carey and Mimi are the same person, fails to tie lineage back to Harry. Emancipation fails.

June 24, 2006 - PastyFro™ accidentally identified as Saturn's 57th moon.

July 4, 2006 - Test fires a Kim Jong Illin' II interstate ballistic missile at Joplin, Missouri, restaurant Sea of Japan in response to "insufficient krabbiness in the rangoon."

July 9, 2006 - Ignores 8th consecutive World Cup final, celebrates with a deep breath.

July 17, 2006 - In response to Oprah denying that she and best friend Gayle King are actually gay, admits to having an unnatural attraction to skorts.

July 22, 2006 - Tears MCL attempting to rox0rz some sox0rz whilst chatting on lagunabeach.com.

July 28, 2006 - Becomes 1,583rd Texan to spontaneously combust in 2006.

July 31, 2006 - Proving that patience is nearly always rewarded, finally becomes sexier than Mel Gibson.

August 14, 2006 - Plays a tiny violin when all 4.1 million copies of chick-lit tome "The Notebook" turn to ash when their Dell batteries spontaneously combust.

August 24, 2006 - Upon hearing of Pluto's demotion from "planet" to "dirt clod," begins petition drive to award ninth planet status to Dom DeLuise. "Cannonball Run IV - The Road to Active Retirement Living" begins filming the next day.

September 7, 2006 - A cloud hangs over third wedding anniversary upon learning that Blair from "The Facts of Life" will be stepping down as British Prime Minister due to "inability to contain the Tootie Menace."

September 11, 2006 - Releases five-year-long clenching of buttocks.

September 18, 2006 - Celebrates entering mid-30s; continues slow dancing with The Reaper.

September 29, 2006 - Makes public plea to Hollywood wunderkind J.J. Abrams to not let disgraced Florida Senator Mark "Maybe I'm Scott" Foley's scandal put the kibosh on a "Felicity" reunion. In response, the "Mission: Impossible 3" director eats some leftover Suri Cruise placenta he had in a ZipLoc™ freezer bag. Tom Cruise remains odd.

October 9, 2006 - Sells YooHooToob.com to Google for $1.65.

October 17, 2006 - Convinces the Immigration and Naturalization Service to grant citizenship status to "political refugee Pancake J. Wonderdogski," thus making said Wonderdogski the 300 millionth United States citizen. Balloons ensue.

October 26, 2006 - Fails in bid to convince Dubya that a border fence would look best with a mahogany stain.

November 7, 2006 - Sighs. Repeatedly.

November 15, 2006 - After hearing Speaker-in-Waiting Nancy "The Joker" Pelosi utter the word "bipartisan" for the 7,983rd time in a week (according to LexisNexis), hires Mandy Patinkin to explain what "bipartisan" means to her.

November 18, 2006 - Commences 72-hour whirlwind tour of finding all 6,500 purchasers of K-Fed's "Playing with Fire" CD and beating them with a summer sausage. The fact that it is now mid-autumn increases the irony.

November 20, 2006 – As heir to the family media throne, finally uses power for good in getting Fox chairmen Rupert Murdoch to put the kibosh on O.J. Simpson's book "If I Did It." Instead, ReaganBooks publishes revelatory memoir "I Was a Teen-Aged Shoehorn." The book goes on to the crack the top 50,000 on Amazon.com.

December 6, 2006 – Accuses NFL legend and certified dance machine Emmitt Smith of "stealing sweet moves and assorted arm bands."

December 14, 2006 – Banned for life from Target stores after wishing a cashier "Merry Christmas, you godless heathen."

December 16, 2006 – Lifetime ban at Target lifted upon proving that the cashier was, in fact, an animist. Or possibly Joy Behar.

December 30, 2006 – Resists powerful urge to write sitcom entitled "Hangin' with Mr. Hussein."

December 31, 2006 – Sells "Hangin' with Mr. Hussein" concept to the CW.

January 4, 2007 – Catches "Pelosi Fever." And not in a good way. Walgreens pharmacists unable to provide appropriate balm. Self-taxation ensues.

January 9, 2007 – Attempt to set world record for consecutive hours spent ThighMastering goes horribly awry when over-heated ThighMaster sets Suzanne Sommers’ house ablaze. Record remains safely in the hands of master ThighMaster Karl Rove.

January 12, 2007 – Seeking cool nicknames like ”Posh & Becks,” ”Brangelina” and ”Catherine Zeta-Jones & Geezerboy,” renames self and wife ”The Scarecrow & Mrs. King.” Upon hearing the news, a feisty Kate Jackson assaults the couple with a faux karate chop and a dried-up bottle of Aquanet™. Bruce Boxleitner replays ”Babylon 5” season 3 on his iPod.

January 24, 2007 – Proposes a non-binding resolution to prohibit non-binding resolutions. A generation raised on Alanis Morrissette's ”Ironic” video fails to see the irony. Which is itself ironic. This irony also goes unnoticed. Etc.

January 27, 2007 – Delivers State of the Onion address to pimply faced acolytes at the Fayetteville, Arkansas Chili's. Speech is cut short when a roving gang of Outback Steakhouse line cooks hurl flaming Bloomin’ Onions® through the front door, igniting the hostess’s bouffant hair. Volunteer fire brigade extinguishes ensuing wackiness.

February 2, 2007 – In response to the always-to-be-trusted-without-question-don't-look-at-the-money-trail-what-are-you-insinuating United Nations' edict that men, women, children and a cross-dressing albino named Chet are responsible for global warming, roasts Puxatawney Phil over an open pit. Diddy changes his name to "Puxy P."

February 8, 2007 – Accidentally dominates the San Antonio auditions for "American Idolatry" with a polkafied rendition of "When I'm Sixty-four." Ticket to Hollywood revoked when it is discovered that song is really a cry for help. And donuts.

February 10, 2007 – Sues cranky Brit Simon Cowell claiming "emotional distress resulting from exposure to Cowell's bro-less torso."

February 11, 2007 – Suit tossed due to inability to distinguish between Ryan Seacrest, Billy Bush and the Bush's Baked Beans guy.

February 15, 2007 – Adds the U.S. Mint's new George Washington one-dollar coin to vast collection of useless, and mostly Canadian, currency.

February 28, 2007 – Preemptively leaps to the year 2245, sees shadow, returns.

March 6, 2007 - Weeps bitter, salty (with a twist of lime) tears upon learning of the conviction of Libby's Vienna Sausages in the Victoria "I thought covert and overt meant the same thing" Plame CIA-leak trial.

March 12, 2007 - Fails to impress mall "security" by attacking mannequins at Forever 21 while declaring "this is Sparta!"

March 15, 2007 - At a grand ceremony in the snack aisle of the neighborhood Sinclair gas station (between the Ho-Ho's and Toblerone), tearfully announces that current U.S. Attorney General "Fat" Alberto Gonzales has succeeded former AG Janet Reno as "most wienerific." Celebratory Icees ensue.

April 1, 2007 - Helps parents celebrate 40th wedding anniversary with a 40-year-old carton of Marlboro Ultra Lights. Parents regret having stayed together for the sake of children.

April 6, 2007 - Upon learning of U.N.'s report on global warming, implores the people of the world to "be more like George Hamilton and embrace the leatherification process of good ol' Sol."

April 12, 2007 - Fails to pay attention to the Don Imus thing.

April 18, 2007 - In response to the Atomic Energy Commission's confirmation that Iran is enriching uranium declares, "Duh."

April 23, 2007 - After Boris Yeltsin dies, releases moose and squirrel back into the wild.

April 27, 2007 - Convinces authorities at Guantanamo Bay to stop water-boarding terrorists and instead give them ponyhawks.

April 28, 2007 - Clubbed like a baby seal by Amnesty International members.

May 2, 2007 - Rocks a polkarific version of Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name" to an adoring "Family Room Idol" crowd.

May 7, 2007 - Reveals self to be Dannielynn Smith Birkhead Stern's "second cousin twice removed by way of Zsa Zsa's husband, the prince, assuming some of the rumors pan out."

May 12, 2007 - Refuses to watch the finale of "7th Heaven" fearing inability to follow plot line after not seeing the first through sixth heavens. In response, Jessica Biel touts Ed Norton as being "creepy hot."

May 15, 2007 - Claiming their names and hair are too similar for an easily confused public to accept, convinces Denise Richards and Richie Sambora to give up custody of Richard Simmons.

May 21, 2007 - Presents merchandising opportunity to "Transformers" director Michael Bay, who physically wretches at the idea of "Sub-Optimus Prime Loans." U.N. observers consider this inadequate payback for the crime against Gaia that is "Pearl Harbor."

May 23, 2007 - Opens major motion picture event "Pirates of the Allegheny: The Search for Bill Mazeroski." Hundreds of film critics salute the film with up-lifted digits, very few of which are thumbs.

June 7, 2007 - Photographs Eurohippies at the G8 summit with a Canon G7 connected to an aging Powerbook G4 using an even more ancient puck mouse from an original G3 iMac. Sadly, does not fly home on a Gulfstream G2.

June 8, 2007 - Continues watching Tinkerbell the Chihuahua while her owner gets some much-needed alone time.

June 15, 2007 - In honor of Bob Barker's retirement from "The Price is Right," has Alex Trebek spayed or neutered.

June 28, 2007 - Despite years of incoherent mumbling, gets labeled as one of the "loud folk" by Senator Lindsey Wagner Graham. Nonetheless, Senator Grahamnesty's "Borders Without Borders" legislation dies from the stench of Ted Kennedy's rotting moral fiber.

July 10, 2007 - Lets it roll. Down the highway.

July 14, 2007 - Skips the wedding of Rebecca "Not the Lettuce" Romijn and Jerry O'Connell for fear of "offending the mighty, mighty hair of The Stamos." Instead, sends the couple a DVD of "Stand By Me 2: The Leeching." Their thank-you card gets lost in the mail.

July 21, 2007 - Tribute/exploitation novel "Harold Terracotta and the Deadly Mallomars" sells 8.3 copies.

July 31, 2007 - Outbids Geritol-enhanced mogul Rupert Murdoch for control of the Davey Jones Stock Market and Pudding Emporium. Deal falls apart upon missing the last train to Clarksville.

August 8, 2007 - Openly weeps at the dissolution of the marriage between Senator Larry "Toe Tappin'" Craig and diet guru Jenny. Stress-eats a case of I Can't Believe It's Not Fabio.

August 14, 2007 - Does not bet on, watch or think about an NBA game for the 419th consecutive month.

August 29, 2007 - Eschews watching the season two premiere of "Scott Baio is 45...and Single" to watch "Willie Aames is 47...and Still Goes by Willie" at ZappedTheMovie.com.

September 10, 2007 - Sees 16 years of covert, high-level talks with Gayle King and Biff Henderson pay off as Oprah pulls David Letterman's finger.

September 18, 2007 - Painfully enters a new demographic. Starts paying attention to Flomax ads. Refuses to viva Viagra.

September 27, 2007 - Fails. To. Win role. Of Captain. James. Tiberius. Kirk in. J.J. Abrams. Reboot of. The. Star. Trek. Movie fran. Chise. Khaaaaaannnnn!

October 5, 2007 - Upon hearing track-star-slash-recreational-roid-enthusiast Marion Jones admit to using performance-enhancing drugs, makes 3,093rd "juice is loose" joke since June 12, 1994. Starburst officials remain unamused, yet chewy.

October 12, 2007 - Challenges fellow Nobel laureate Algore to explain why, if global warming exists, do pants sales remain high? In response, Gore sprouts a fourth chin.

October 28, 2007 - Attends a Jonas Brothers/Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana/Black Sabbath concert for "research."

October 29, 2007 - Suffers from a wicked Capri Sun hangover.

November 4, 2007 - Beats the writers' strike deadline and completes short-awaited "Gomer Pyle vs. Predator" screenplay.

November 5, 2007 - Goes on strike against employer. State of self-employment causes brainfreeze.

November 9, 2007 - Brain thaws. No one notices.

November 19, 2007 - Does not become America's Next Top Model. Immediately applies for America's Next Yo-Yo Model.

December 2, 2007 - Uses lankiness to surprising advantage in dominating the season finale of "Armenian Gladiators." A Mark Goodson Television Production.

December 17, 2007 - Flashes back to 1983 and kills Buckwheat.

December 19, 2007 - Dedicates self to finally learning the correct pronunciation of "Shia LaBeouf."

January 5, 2008 - Ends attempt to correctly pronounce "Shia LaBeouf" and instead settles on "Chia Lebowitz."

January 11, 2008 - Applies Head-On headache balm to left buttock.

January 14, 2008 - Fails to turn Shoehorn Rolling into an internet phenomenon.

January 26, 2008 - Grows up.

January 27, 2008 - Trademarks the term Poosplosion™.

February 5, 2008 - Celebrates "Super Tuesday" by supersizing his love for Super Dave Osborne. And napping.

February 12, 2008 - Marks the end of the writers' strike by not selling a screenplay.

February 19, 2008 - Resigns as president of Cuba Gooding Jr.; brother Raul declines to take over duties citing "more oppressive opportunities in the Caribbean; plus, that whole 'Boat Trip' thing."

February 29, 2008 - Leaps before looking.

March 4, 2008 - Finally accepting the fact that, due to Constitutional issues, a Disney-imagineered Reagan cannot run, endorses McBain for president.

March 16, 2008 - Purchases teetering securities firm Bear Stearns for $39.99 in cash, a "Wall Street" DVD, sixteen VGC Garbage Pail Kids cards from 1983 and a hamster named Mr. Poofles.

March 17, 2008 - Names Mr. Poofles as CEO of Bear Stearns. In response, world markets issue a collective "meh."

April 2, 2008 - Upon hearing that New Kids on the Block are reuniting for a Minoxidil-sponsored tour, sues NKOTB for "being neither new, kids, nor - last time I looked out the window - on the block."

April 7, 2008 - On a crisp, clear day some might describe as "fair," celebrates the Kansas Jayhawks' victory in something called the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship.

April 20, 2008 - Inoculates self against Danica Fever by wearing Wranglers, chugging some Amp energy drink and getting "Little E for President" tattooed in the "buttockular regions."

April 28, 2008 - Shoots controversial spread for "Vanity Fair" featuring a semi-mulletted Billy Ray Cyrus and a passel of underage lemurs.

May 2, 2008 - Begins career comeback in "Iron Man" as Head Goatee Primper in Charge of Shininess and Bounce for Mr. Robert Downey, Jr.

May 3, 2008 - After Microsoft withdraws its bid, mistakenly buys Yahoo to gain "the dark secrets of their chocolaty elixir of the gods."

May 4, 2008 - After Googling Yahoo and discovering it does not make Yoohoo, sells company to Rupert Murdoch because he'll buy anything.

May 12, 2008 - Hires Brangelina to babysit. The Pitt-Jolies promptly snag $14 million for photos of their so-called natural children. Refuses to pay them their promised $13/hour.

May 22, 2008 - Drops it like it's hot. Picks it up when it cools. Emails joke back to 2004.

May 30, 2008 - Builds the bridge to nowhere. Made a god by residents of Nowhere.

June 9, 2008 - Wonders why the media basically ignores the devastating Midwest floods. Move along to the next entry if you want a joke.

June 27, 2008 - Retires from day-to-day work at Microsoft to spend more time counting the billions and billions of bugs in Vista.

July 3, 2008 - Sells remaining collection of Herve Villechaize figurines to buy gasoline. Ironically, can only afford half a tank. Rimshots and pleas to try the veal ensue.

July 18, 2008 - Forcibly removed from screening of "The Dark Knight" after repeatedly and loudly asking, "When did George Clooney and Maggie Gyllencruise get hitched?"

July 22, 2008 - Refuses to buy iPhone 3G insisting that the iPhone 4G will allow time travel, dimensional shifting and unfettered access to MileyCyrus.com.

August 1, 2008 - Gets all up in his own grill and makes some darned tasty burgers.

August 17, 2008 - Breaks Michael Phelps's minutes-old record by winning 9 gold medals in a single Olympics. Sadly, the IOC, ESPN and The Costas refuse to recognize the "The First Quadrennial Olympiad of Pastiness, its chosen venue of Applebee's or the 'sport' of Flair Baiting."

August 21, 2008 - Gets lost for three days in Amy Winehouse's beehive hairdo. Rescued during cavity search as part of Miss Amy's 4,221st visit to the "hospital" for "exhaustion."

September 7, 2008 – Celebrates five years of holy matrimony by changing five diapers full of wedded bliss by-products.

September 10, 2008 – Implicated in scandal-ridden report on the Department of the Interior as being responsible for "the scourge of popcorn ceilings and laminate flooring."

September 28, 2008 – Realizes Fannie Mae is not a candy maker. Qualifies for $40 million in bailout funds to salvage nougat-powered alpaca ranch.

September 30, 2008 – Forced to return $39,999,920 of bailout money due to "inappropriate bedazzling of alpacas, gnus and other possibly mythical creatures."

October 2, 2008 – Proves to a slack-jawed-yet-stylishly-coiffed Geraldo Rivera that Joe Biden is - like Joe Six Pack, Joe the Plumber, Joe Schmoe and Joe Camel - a guy named Joe.

October 15, 2008 – Weeps for 18 hours upon hearing of the dissolution of Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s Kabbalacular marriage and the apparent abandonment of "Swept Away 2: The Dyson Conspiracy."

October 19, 2008 – Gets subpoenaed to appear before a Congressional oversight committee investigating the overuse subpoenas by Congressional oversight committees in lieu of actually voting on stuff. Excused from appearing when all eight committee members get subpoenaed to appear on "Hardball."

October 31, 2008 – Goes trick-or-treating as a sound bite. Gets picked up by the AP.

November 4, 2008 – Confusing the definitions of "historic" and "historical," casts votes for James K. Polk and to repeal the medicinal leech ban in Collin County.

November 5, 2008 – Discovers car engines need some sort of conversion before they will run on hope. Then remembers he works from home.

November 18, 2008 – Introduces world to alter ego "Shoehorn Fierce." Drops hot track "Shingle Ladies (Put an Ointment On It)" to a rave review.

November 26, 2008 – Making sure his portfolio will still be worth a hill of beans, pulls all money out of the stock market and buys a largish mound of pinto beans outside of Waxahachie, Texas, that has averaged an 8.8% gain over 22 years.

November 28, 2008 – Relieved to discover Black Friday has nothing to do with "Black Sunday." Nonetheless, vows to avoid blimps for 72 hours.

December 1, 2008 – After 17 years of research, reveals that a woodchuck can chuck 23.7 chucks an hour if said woodchuck is actually Chuck Norris.

December 11, 2008 – Wonders how Bernie Madoff could’ve fooled so many people into participating in a Potsie scheme. Immediately begins development of a more powerful Ralph the Mouth investment opportunity.

December 14, 2008 – In an effort to raise money for the Feed My Kids (Specifically, Gideon and Charlotte Fox) Foundation, wrestles soon-to-be-indicted Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s hair. Loses two falls out of three, but remains a hero to Dapper Dan men everywhere.

December 16, 2008 – To save money, goes ahead and calls it a year.

January 14, 2009 – Takes over day-to-day operations of Apple from Steve Jobs as Jobs seeks treatment for a "mildly annoying bout of turtleneck addiction and possibly consumption."

January 16, 2009 – Inspired by the likes of Captain Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger and other guys with cool, quote-encapsulated nicknames, successfully pilots a U.S. penny to a water landing in a fountain down at the local Olive Garden. Unlimited breadsticks ensue.

January 20, 2009 – Watches history unfold as the United States swears in its first Opraholic president.

January 26, 2009 – Celebrates one year of double fatherhood with a double shot of Desitin. Emerges victorious over chafing for the first time in 36 years.

February 1, 2009 - Decides to "do the double" and fails to win both the Australian Open and Super Bowl in the same day.

February 6, 2009 - Preemptively withdraws name from consideration for any cabinet post for any administration ever and quit paying income taxes. Willie Nelson sends a congratulatory, biofuel-powered hookah.

February 9, 2009 - Confuses local Walgreen's pharmacist by asking which type of Preparation H works best on "A-Roids." Eventually chooses honey-lemon.

February 22, 2009 - Spends sleepless night bathed in canned flop sweat attempting to figure out what Wolverine was doing singing and dancing like a jacked-up wallaby at the Oscars.

March 2, 2009 - After reporting a $61.70 loss, seeks government bailout funds in the form of three Mega Millions tickets and a package of barbecue pork rinds.

March 6, 2009 - Unemployment rate remains at 100%.

March 9, 2009 - Relieved to discover bona fide hottie wife does not have a tapeworm but is, instead, pregnant with pauses. And a baby.

March 15, 2009 - Causes riot while in line for "America's Next Top Model Airplane Builder."

April 3, 2009 - Decides to "break off a piece" and spends three days on set of "Nipsey Russell/Tucker Carlson" trying to get said piece reattached.

April 6, 2009 - Wins record-setting 19th consecutive NCAA Championship in men's jacks, making it all the way to six hundred forty threesies.

April 12, 2009 - Nips it in the bud. Promptly sued by David Faustino and a marijuana plant.

April 26, 2009 - Refusing to be intimidated by any disease that can be slow-smoked over a hickory pit, Hosts First Annual Swine Flu Barbecue and Croup Chili Cook-Off.

April 29, 2009 - Doing what President Obahamas cannot, ends Somali pirate threat by calling the Business Software Alliance at 1.800.NOPIRACY.

May 7, 2009 - Stress test performed courtesy of Treasury Secretary Tim "Silent But Deadly" Geithner reveals need for a Deepak ChOprah meditation CD and some alone time with a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

May 20, 2009 - Announces discovery of fossilized proto-human "Ore" as the 23,563rd official "missing link" and brother to "Ida" whom scientists had unveiled the day before. Slope-headed lovers of crinkly fries ugh their enthusiasm.

May 29, 2009 - After accidentally tuning into the not-really last broadcast of "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" is heard muttering, "When did Doc Severinsen get a hold of some 'Soul Man' pills?"

June 8, 2009 - Wanders into North Korean grocery store and buys some Kim Jong Il Super Secret Flat Noodles of Our Glorious Leader. Sentenced to 12 years gastrointestinal discomfort.

June 12, 2009 - Continuing a months-long tradition of sticking it to The Man, refuses to transition to digital TV. Spends evening watching puppets recreate the episode of "Happy Days" where Fonzie water skis.

June 13, 2009 - Ends Man-sticking charade and orders Ultimate Mega Bungle Bundle from AT&TimeWarcast for just $299.99/month plus $19.99/month for HD plus $9.99/month for 1080HD plus $4.99/month bill translation service. Commences Bit Torrenting the complete works of one H.R. Pufnstuf.

June 19, 2009 - Gets high on life. Discovers "life" is actually a new synthetic form of rock marijuana that is also known as "Hard Mary," "Pop Rocks" and "Arnold Drummond."

June 26, 2009 - Following the death of beloved monkey enthusiast Michael Jackson, declares self to be Pastiest Man in the World Except For That One Guy on YouTube Who's Super Creepy. No one challenges this statement.

July 1, 2009 - Gives up luxury of working in underwear at the home office for the awkwardly jealous stares of coworkers while working in underwear at the office.

July 4, 2009 - Though only watching the Wimbledon final on TV some 4,800 miles (220,000 km) away, suffers crushed larynx at the vestigial hands of Serena Williams's left thigh.

July 9 - 31, 2009 - Goes on walkabout at a North Dallas DSW.

August 6, 2009 - In honor of the departed John Hughes, goes and fixes himself a turkey potpie.

August 8, 2009 - Openly weeps at the swearing in of Sonia Sotomayor McCheese as the nation's first Cheeseburger-American Supreme Court justice.

August 18, 2009 - Officially becomes 2,538th in line to succeed Paula Abdul in the role of Incoherent Judge on "America's Next Top Idol Who Can't Think or Dance."

August 25, 2009 - Upon hearing the White House Office of Management and Budget's estimate that the 10-year budget deficit will be $9 trillion, sells soul to J.G. Wentworth for 9 trillion pesos.

September 13, 2009 - Pulls a "Kanye" at the UHF Channel 62 Video Technicians Awards ceremony by stealing the mic from emcee Alan Thicke and declaring, "Mort Tricklish is the best CRT gun aligner of all time." Thicke responds by adjusting the vertical hold on his toupee.

September 15, 2009 - Finds a random baby at the mall and puts it in a corner. Adjusts nickname to Dalton Shoehorn. Refuses, however, to star in a web "movie" with Brian Bonsall.

October 1, 2009 - Finally exits "America's 10 Creepiest White Guys" list to make room for David Letterman.

October 9, 2009 - Wins fourth Nobel Prize, but first in the field of Potentially Doing Something at an Undetermined Future Date But That Will Undoubtedly Rock Hard Although Not Necessarily in a Good Way.

October 15, 2009 - Uncovers evidence that the 30,000 jobs claimed to have been saved by the President's stimulus package are all some sort of White House policy czar including Animal Cracker Czar; Twitter Retweeting Czar; and Czar to the Stars, aka Hugo Chavez.

October 29, 2009 - Always on the bleeding edge of pandemics, opts to get vaccinated against equine flu. Starts hanging out with John Elway and Nancy Kerrigan.

November 13, 2009 - After a NASA probe discovers 26 gallons of water on the moon, sells 2,488 liters of "Dasani Lunar Lava with Hints of Lavender" to gullible members of the Plano (TX) Crystal Bouffant Society.

November 20, 2009 - After 25 years, finally emerges victorious in the War on Oprah. Vows to continue fighting to keep daytime free of "all things Rosie."

November 27, 2009 - Attempts to jog off the previous evening's turducken bomb interrupted by a careening Cadillac Escalade piloted by a shaken, glassy-eyed Tom Watson who insists he is being chased by Jack Nicklaus's titanium hip. Placates the former Master's champ with a slightly moist "Augusta Green" headband.

December 7, 2009 - Releases a scathing report tangentially proving that the famed IPCC "hockey stick" chart proving accelerated rises in global temperatures was really just a poorly scribbled schematic for "the world's gnarliest quarter-pipe, dude." Al Gore eats a baby seal.

December 24, 2009 - After ingesting two tubs of Muscle Milk, fourteen boxes of Little Debbie Star Crunches and six gallons of high fructose corn syrup, declares self a sovereign island free from the jurisdiction of Obamacare. Minutes later, changes designation from "island" to "oral volcano."

January 3, 2010 - Learns the only way to win at Chatroulette is to not play Chatroulette. Adjusts nickname to Goodtime WOPR.

January 24, 2010 - Mourns the death of Pernell "Trapper John, Jr." Roberts. Goes on a Pert & Purell cocktail bender with Hugh Laurie.

February 9, 2010 - Picks Team Coco over Team Leno based on the former's "ability to create tasty - yet mouth-lacerating - breakfast cereals."

February 12, 2010 - Celebrates the opening of the 21st Winter Olympics in Vancouver, British Columbia, by partying with one Ewan Valequez. Think about it.

March 10, 2010 - Invites Ed Herrmann in.

March 30, 2010 - Passes Brimleycare, excluding self from Obamacare and providing for an "unlimited supply of Quaker Oats and diabeetus supplies as long as those Parker boys keep printin' up Monopoly money. Woot!"

April 11, 2010 - Mistakenly awarded novelty check and green jacket instead of rightful Master's champion Phil Mickelson by Augusta National chairman William "Billy" "Billmont" "Billford" Payne because "all lefties look alike."

April 23, 2010 - Moves to Arizona, builds a condo made of stone-a.

May 13, 2010 - Loses out to actor/marine geologist Kevin Costner in finale of "America's Next Top Mad Scientist with Awesome Hair" by suggesting BP oil leak can be plugged with 99% shearings from Carrot Top and 1% Gallagher.

May 22, 2010 - Confuses "al fresco" for "au naturel" and is escorted from Denny's after ordering a "Moons Over My Moon, if ya know what I mean."

June 11, 2010 - Attempting to ride the vuvuzela craze, creates iPhone app iBugles. Failing to adequately capture excitement of America's 48th-most popular corn chip, is sentenced by Steve Jobs to wear only mock turtlenecks.

June 16, 2010 - Stuns E3 Expo crowd with stunningly realistic Fractalized™ Fro. Slobbers one stunned gamer, "It's stunning in its sheen, volume and gouraud shading. If it were anywhere close to a woman, I'd date it. Which would also be stunning."

June 28, 2010 - Sips some sizzurp that expired in October 2000. Yeah. Yeah.

July 9, 2010 - Defeats wife in championship game of footsie and learns meaning behind "won the battle but lost the war."

July 22, 2010 - Attempts to wrangle a Rangel end with a pair of wrinkled Wranglers. Promptly run over by Dale Earnhardt, Jr. in a Jeep Cherokee.

August 3, 2010 - Decides to never again get anything on, including "my eats, my groove and my Valtrex."

August 11, 2010 - Pulls coccyx attempting to shift an engorged paradigm that was blocking the driveway.

August 13, 2010 - Accidentally logs onto MySpace, spends three days dotting i's with hearts.

August 22, 2010 - Overtakes Kevin Costner as go-to-hair-model-with-scientific-inclinations by producing a 12-megaton roll of Bounty paper towels.

September 1, 2010 - Disheartened by admission from rapper T.I. that his initials do not stand for Texas Instruments.

September 13, 2010 - After saving Saints running back Reggie Bush from a particularly menacing piece of gristle, receives 2010 Heimlich Award for efforts.

September 14, 2010 - Returns Heimlich Award after allegations surface that Reggie Bush was undeserving of gristle dislodgment due to "lingering Kardashian stank."

October 2, 2010 - Upon hearing the U.K.'s decision to recognize Druidry as a bona fide religion, reinstates movement to rename Christmas "Pagan Smackdown Day."

October 8, 2010 - Learns the correct pronunciation of Favre is actually "pantsless."

October 13, 2010 - Rescues 33 minors from an abandoned Chili's.

October 22, 2010 - Sends the Wikileaks gang a case of Flomax and a homemade kegel exercises video.

November 2, 2010 - After winning a congressional seat in 14 states, annoys Chris "Tingly Legs" Matthews by answering every question with "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot." Jonathan Frakes keeps the beard.

November 7, 2010 - Reports Queen Elizabeth II to Facebook authorities for "overzealous poking and posting of Chumbawumba videos."

November 11, 2010 - Fearing political instability in the Ivory Coast, soaks in vacation along the Palmolive Swamplands.

November 16, 2010 - Loses office Royal Wedding Pool when Prince William chooses Kate Middleton over Baby Spice.

November 28, 2010 - Learns a hospital is a big building with patients.

December 3, 2010 - Takes delivery of Nissan Twig electric shrub. Spends 36 hours attempting to pair it with an iPhone. Settles on pairing it with a nice Chablis.

December 18, 2010 - Repeals personal "don't ask don't tell" policy regarding a chocolate's status as dark or very dark. Milk chocolate still banned from open consumption notwithstanding the famed M&M's Exception of 2003.

December 25, 2010 - Sticks it to Richard Dawkins. Postpones sticking it to Christopher Hitchens until Easter.

December 31, 2011 - Armed with a sling and 5,000 smooth stones, takes out a like number of red-winged blackbirds in Beebe, Arkansas.

January 10, 2011 - In 18th and fourth-from-last year of eligibility, wins NCAA Championship by winking over 26,000 tiddlies without a single giggle.

January 20, 2011 - After failing to check facts on Google, plays “Dark Side of the Moon” in honor of Jimmy Page’s son becoming CEO of said search engine/privacy squasher.

January 25, 2011 - Announces plan to reduce household deficit by $4 over the next ten years just as soon as those Kenny Rogers commemorative “Gambler IV” plates are paid off.

February 10, 2011 - Walks into Verizon store and promptly purchases the newly released Motorola HASBN.

February 25, 2011 - Discovers Charlie Sheen’s Tiger Blood is nothing more than Tang and V8 and that “winning” is defined as the ability to projectile vomit into the next county.

February 27, 2011 - Palpably disappointed by Oscar hosts Franco Harris and Jane Hathaway from “The Beverly Hillbillies.”

March 6, 2011 - For 24 solid hours, walks like an Egyptian as a show of solidarity with Susanna Hoffs and the other Bangles whose names no one recalls.

March 11, 2011 - Unlike the Aflac duck, knows when to pray instead of joke.

March 12, 2011 - Attempts to lock out NFL star Peyton Manning from his stash of Dean’s French Onion Dip prove futile. Brother Eli, however, is kept at bay.

March 19, 2011 - Imposes a no-fly zone over his barbecued baked beans.

March 20, 2011 - Reveals the 24,559th and correct way to spell Muammar Gaddafi is “Aretha Franklin.”

April 5, 2011 - Stops into a gentrified Pigglesworth Wigglesworth for a can of  Pringles and accidentally wins the entire brand from Procter & Gamble after checking in on Foursquare.

April 15, 2011 - Pays down some federal debt from August 1967.

April 27, 2011 - Following the President’s lead, produces birth certificate to receive a free round at Swervin’ Irvin’s Putt-Putt and Go-Kart Golf Resort and Small Engine Repair.

May 1, 2011 - Hugs a SEAL.

May 2, 2011 - Hugs a sea lion.

May 3, 2011 - Hugs a walrus.

May 4, 2011 - Hugs golfing semi-legend Craig Stadler.

May 5, 2011 - Ends hugging spree to the relief of enlisted troops, sea mammals and senior PGA pros worldwide.

May 19, 2011 - Once again lands at number 101 on Forbes magazine’s annual Celebrity 100 Power List.

May 27, 2011 - Fails to convince SC Johnson (a family - not yours - company) that Arab Spring™ Glade® would make a wonderful addition to any bathroom.

June 3, 2011 - Declares candidacy for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination vowing to go hairdo-y-hairdo against Mitt “The Charlestown Coif” Romney.

June 12, 2011 - As Dallas Mavericks win the NBA title, becomes basketball fan for 3.2 seconds.

June 16, 2011 - After viewing 1,739 Weiner-based puns, finds and tasers one Oscar B. Mayer of Little Elm, Texas.

July 8, 2011 - Denied Space Shuttle crew member status for 135th consecutive time. Mourns lost chance to study effects of zero gravity on white boy afros.

July 30, 2011 - Accepts commission to paint the national debt ceiling a lovely mauve.

August 1, 2011 - Walks off debt ceiling job upon discovery that payment would be made in the form of a quarter ton of government cheese and a pirate hat full of “Pelosi Doubloons.”

August 5, 2011 - Thanks to numbers obtained from freecreditreport.com, becomes chief bond issuer to the personal staff of Timothy “The Goiter” Geithner.

August 13, 2011 - Wins Iowa Republican Straw Poll with a quintuple-loop crazy straw requiring the sucking power of 14 Dyson vacuum cleaners. Also, it’s fried.

August 15, 2011 - Sells Motorola Mobility to Google for a number that seems fictitious. Larry and Sergey appear strangely giddy over the box of old StarTACs they receive 4-6 weeks later plus S+H.

August 24, 2011 - Resigns as CEO of Apple Composting, but assures the company’s fan that several years’ worth of iPoo updates are already in the pipeline.

September 18, 2011 - Commences the year-long countdown to buying an inappropriate motor vehicle or chest hair transplants.

September 28, 2011 - Credits outstanding posture in winning the National League Wild Card race over a severely slumping Atlanta Braves team.

October 5, 2011 - Kills John "PC" Hodgman.

October 17, 2011 - Convinces Occupy Wall Street crowd that occupying White Castle makes a lot more sense, dude.

October 20, 2011 - Grateful that the long, international nightmare of how to spell Qaddhafi/Qaddafi/Gaddafi/Kaddafi/Khadafy/Qadhafi/Qadaffi/Gadaffi is finally over, assumes no one read entry from March 20, 2011.

October 31, 2011 - Makes mental note to not wear a light blue Metallica T-shirt when taking the kiddos trick-or-treating after 43rd passerby remarks, “Nice costume, Beavis.”

November 8, 2011 - After tripping over gigantic dotted line in living room, realizes house has become haunted by the ghost of Bil Keane.

November 16, 2011 - Joins Team Edward Jones.

November 17, 2011 - Fired from Team Edward Jones for attempting to sell mutual funds whilst shirtless. Claims of lycanthropy fail to sway EEOC.

November 21, 2011 - Serves notice of copyright infringement to the Congressional Supercommittee, forcing the debt-reduction panel to refer to itself as The Big Game Where Everyone Loses.

December 3, 2011 - Despite questions concerning his citizenship, shifts support for 2012 presidency to Little Caesar.

December 9, 2011 - Attempts to tap the pint-sized spy movie market with the release of “Tinker, Toys, Tater, Tot.” Learns Gary Oldman frightens children of all ages.

December 15, 2011 - Preemptively breaks up with J-Lo, assuring no “journalist” will ever type the name J-Lo-J-Fo in mock amusement.

December 20, 2011 - Fails to secure DVD-release deal for self-produced “Guy with the Dragon-Shaped Tattoo Removal Scar.”

January 9, 2012 - Cracks the BCS ranking code and makes Longview Community College the year’s Division I champions in football, lacrosse, air hockey, loogie flinging and synchronized jonesing.

January 18, 2012 - Protesting the proposed SOPA legislation, challenges Mr. Clean to a bare-knuckles brawl.

February 5, 2012 - Trademarks the phrase “the big game,” forcing advertisers to now use the phrase “that thing with the ball that Lucy keeps pulling away from Charlie Brown and has a lot of ads that used to be cool until everyone leaked them on YouTube.”

February 15, 2012 - Reveals head of internet hacking group Anonymous to be the Unknown Comic.

February 26, 2012 - Spends 18 hours watching “When Harry Met Dr. Sally Albright, Plastic Surgeon.”

March 6, 2012 - Encourages Mitt, Rick, Newt, Ron and other monosyllabic GOP primary contenders to declare the day Middling Monday in order to make Tuesday seem that much more super.

March 8, 2012 - Celebrates Spanx-founder Sara Blakely’s becoming the youngest self-made female billionaire by cling-wrapping self and sliding into a size 18x34-inch pair of Buddy Lee-era, can’t-bust-em Lee Dungarees.

March 12, 2012 - Inspired by Jennifer “Katniss Doublemint Evergreen Pauladean Everdeen” Lawrence, enjoys a delightful squirrel kabob.

March 20, 2012 - Starts a worldwide backlash against über-bomb “John Carter” on the grounds that Eriq La Salle is nowhere to be seen.

March 28, 2012 - Questions legality of Supreme Court’s decision to not announce ruling on Obamacare until June due to one justice allegedly having “too much Bader and not enough Ginsberg.”

April 1, 2012 - As the subject of 99% of Taylor Swift’s songS, named
Co-Entertainer of the Year at the Academy of Country Music Awards Mid-Southwest Region.

April 12, 2012 - Saddened to discover that Hallmark quit carrying “Sorry your nuclear missile blew up” cards in 1964.

April 14, 2012 - Upon discovering the Secret Service’s secret, speaks for the nation in a regionally forwarded tweet that reads, “Nasty. And not in a cool, honey badger kind of way.”

April 15, 2012 - Marks the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic by tossing a laser disc of “The Abyss” into the neighbors’ pool.

April 26, 2012 - Once again fails to be taken in the NFL draft despite changing name to “Jim Brown.” As a consolation gift, his children award him with a brand-new bag.

May 2, 2012 - Pulls a Gingrich. Unable to find a suitable salve.

May 4, 2012 - Disappointed to discover Alan Alda is not in “The Avengers.” Hulks out, Bixby style.

May 17, 2012 - Bypasses flailing Facebook IPO for more secure investment in 18 cases of Winklevoss: The Fragrance.

May 21, 2012 - In response to a government study claiming prostate exams may cause more harm than good, decides it’s okay to turn 40 this year.

June 5, 2012 - Happy to see cheddar win the Wisconsin state cheese recall election over a surprisingly popular and robustly stinky 2003 episode of “According to Jim.”

June 11, 2012 - Confuses Roland Garros for Roland Orzabal and is ejected from the French Open finals for continuing to shout and shout whilst letting it all out.

June 12, 2012 - Publishes a book about pretending to be some guy's facial hair.

June 17, 2012 - Congratulates the people of Greece on electing their 423rd coalition government in as many days by sending the populace a starter spice packet for stone soup.

July 2012 - Craving free a/c in the midst of another Texas heat wave, moves family into the back of the Wetzel’s Pretzels in the Stonebriar Centre shopping mall.

August 1, 2012 - Unable to reconcile the spelling of “Centre” with MLA standards, abandons Wetzel’s Pretzels spider hole with 18 pounds of salt in tow.

August 11, 2012 - Passed over as a vice presidential running mate by Romney campaign on grounds that one great head of hair is already too distracting for some voters.

August 17, 2012 - Convicted of hooliganism by the ultra-statist residents of Palookaville.

September 17, 2012 - Marks the one-year anniversary of Occupy Wall Street by turning the garden hose on some lawn-crashing hippies. Hippies later determined to be extra-scraggly possums.

September 18, 2012 - Turns 40. Paunchiness ensues.

September 22, 2012 - After months of uncertainty, finally releases StewPat Thick ’n’ Meaty to an exultant public. Early Twitter reviews claiming the robust canned goodness is actually more Bland ’n’ Sullen send sales skyrocketing amongst goths in trees.

October 3, 2012 - Pulls out a surprise victory in the first presidential debate by promising to “finally bring full transparency to so-called transparent tape.”

October 5, 2012 - Celebrates Global James Bond day by changing name to Octoshoehorn.

October 7, 2012 - Party honoring the election of JC Chasez to a third term as Venezuela’s president ends on a sour note when it is revealed that Joey Fatone ate all the pigs in a blanket.

November 5, 2012 - Moves family to Omaha, Nebraska, on purpose.

November 6, 2012 - Curses the low-information hippie possums.

November 9, 2012 - Proudly accepts appointment as head of the Central Intellivision Agency. Vows to “bring the creator of that janky directional disk to justice or at least a Dave & Buster’s near you.”

November 29, 2012 - Sprains nasal cartilage while fiscal cliff diving.

December 3, 2012 - Takes the 12,000,000,000:1 odds that Prince William and Princess Catherine will name their pending spawn Andrew Capp Windsor.

December 12, 2012 - With the help of 16 F-size Estes model rocket engines and a can of Red Bull, launches an Aerobie into orbit. Aerobie fails to return to earth when it gets tangled in the solar panels of a GPS satellite.

December 19, 2012 - Worldwide helium shortage forces cancellation of proposed Annual Talk Like a Munchkin Day and Parade. Rumors of widespread attacks by the Lollipop Gang proved founded.

December 23, 2012 - Accidentally clicks on an online banner ad and instantly starts saving money on insurance and mortgage rates while one weird trick eliminates stubborn belly fat and hair loss.